I can't stop this. I can't think about other things. I just go over it again and again in my head. "What happened? Why did it happen? Should it have happened? Did it even happen? Was it real? Why me? Why her? For that matter, why him? I don't understand this. I don't understand this. I don't understand this." This is never the way that I thought not being over someone would be. I thought that it would be an obsession with the person. But it's not. It's an obsession with WHAT HAPPENED.
But I need more information. I go over and over the same things, but it never gets me anywhere because I don't know enough, and it drives me insane. I feel like I've just been shown a few scenes of a movie and I'm trying to figure out the plot. It's like this constant hunger that I can't get rid of. I must know more. I must figure it out. I NEED to fully understand it. The question "Who is she?" haunts me in whatever I do. I've gotten a vague sense of it just from glancing over at them at the lunch table. (Far too often, I know.) I know how she looks - small, thin, nice body, red hair, wide eyes, wide smile. But the smile is nothing like mine - relaxed, genuine. It's more like Hattie's. It's full of energy. She shows it often. There's something about her eyes I don't like. It's the energy again - nervous energy. Insincerity. Immaturity. I've always struck myself as looking fully stretched out. I am large because I occupy as much space as I need to. I LOOK relaxed. She looks compacted. All of that energy is just sitting there in that tiny, well-built frame. And her hair still makes me angry. Long and straight and flaming RED. This isn't healthy. It's irrational. Why should she make me angry? I don't even KNOW her. But she does.
And I know that he needs that energy. Ivy has it. I don't.
I am NOT still in love with him. I realize at this point that I probably would have broken up with him by now anyway. We weren't even that close. We were close, but not like we should have been. There was something between us the whole time. Like he said that one time over the phone, "we're just two different people." I don't have that energy. It never would have worked. I know this. It's GOOD that we're not together anymore. It's BETTER this way. I KNOW that. So why, why, why do I feel like this? Why am I angry? Why am I obsessing?
Sometimes, I even miss him. Just as a person. I lost a friend when I lost a boyfriend. We used to try to meet each other once a week. I don't arrange to meet my closest friends once a week. I remember waiting for his bike to pull into the library parking lot. And then, once a week, we would just hang out and TALK. Just about random stuff. About the Simpsons, and physics, and politics, and dumb flash movies. And then, later, we would... not talk. Now we don't talk at all. I guess the other day was just a fluke, because it's gone right back to the way it used to be.
I just wish I could forget and move on.
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