Yesterday and this weekend were pretty bad, especially Sunday, when I had to go to church. I was even classiying it as "bad depression" since I had insomnia and wasn't feeling very musical. But today was at least a break from that. I woke up feeling like shit. I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to have to take the bus. I cursed under my breath when I saw Adam waiting at his stop. I'm always afraid he'll end up sitting next to me. But then I thought, "Why should I be afraid? He'd sit with anyone on this bus before he'd sit with me."
But he did sit with me, and he said "Hey. What's up?" "Not a whole lot." "...What classes do you have this semester?" And then we had a whole conversation about how stupid Latin and morning radio shows are. It was almost exactly like it used to be before we went out. In some ways, I am very, very glad he did this. The fact that he was the one to extend his hand in friendship was almost like an apology. It was almost like he was taking responsability - saying, "I know I'm the one who destroyed this, so I'm going to be the one to rebuild it." It feels good to know that he really does want to keep hanging out with me - that that's not just one more thing he lied to me about. At the very least, I'm relieved that it's not awkward anymore. I'm relieved that there's not an open conflict.
But it was also... confusing. Like, why do I still feel a little warm when he sits near me? Does knowing that he likes me as a person make me feel a little too good? But at the same time, mannerisms that I used to think were cute now create little spurts of dislike. I avoided inside jokes. I still feel slightly naucious every time I even see anyone with red hair. I can't figure out these emotions at all.
Anyway, Adam didn't hang out in front of Greg's locker, but the conversation did put me in a decidedly good mood to start out with. In addition to that, it's course selection time, so instead of Latin, we talked through most of an assemly. I sat with Molly, Dave, and Kevin, but also with Tom, Emma, and Eric, who we met up with on the way down. It was a good time. I felt... popular. Really. I had a good conversation with Emma, and we established that we haven't seen each other in too long and that we have to do something soon, like possibly skip school the day of the field day and go into the city to the garment district. And the rest of us talked and laughed and tried to figure out what the hell we're doing with our scheduals. Tom yelled out a few too many witty remarks, which he has the tendency to do, and we made fun of him. Then he followed us back to Latin, and the five of us hung out more. The teacher didn't care. God, that's such a ridiculous class.
The day continued to be socially awesome. Then I got home and was actually motivated to finish my health project. But now I'm stressing out over the actual selecting courses part of course selection, so I'm not feeling as good. There are just so many things that I want to take and can't because there aren't enough periods in a day. And at this point it's like... your FUTURE. It matters for college and stuff.
Yesterday I stood outside and talked to Amy for a good half hour after we got home. She was talking about how she knows these kids who are going out, and they actually had a "commitment ceremony" - they promised each other that they'll get married as soon as they get out of highschool. I kind of know the guy from pit, (he's this gothic dude who plays the harp) and he is all over his girlfriend. I think it's wierd. I mean, they're FRESHMAN.
Tomorrow we get to go around to all our classes from last semester and get teacher recomendations. It's going to be a nothing day.
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