when the lights go out in 2016

9:24pm

I really want to write some stuff out but I am so miserably tired.

I woke up at 4:25 this morning and spent the next several hours contemplating all the ways I could be sleeping. Shortly before 6 I thought that I would finally find a way to fall asleep and then I started coughing. Thanks a lot drainage from this stupid cold!

Then I got a text from TF at like 6:15ish and my mind was all buzzing with thoughts again. I think I finally gave up around 7:30 and just got up for the day. By “up” I mean that I pulled out the computer and started reading through stuff and listening to music. I don’t have cable in my room anymore so that really sucks. I could have used a good dose of early morning trashy television. But oh well.

I’m not sure that I’ve ever just gotten up after not being able to sleep in the middle of the night. Usually I find a way to fall back asleep even if it is a couple of hours later. Not today though. That wasn’t happening at all.

Funny thing is that just yesterday afternoon I finally gave in and sent TF another text. [I don’t like not talking to him!] I asked why he was so quiet and that I thought I’d at least get another “ok ok ok” out of him. A couple of hours later he laughed and said ok ok ok. hah. I said that that was better and that now I’d be able to sleep at night. He said that he didn’t think I had any problem sleeping, that maybe waking up was the issue. I said maybe I’d be able to wake up now then! And also that maybe I slept in because I didn’t fall asleep early. Either way I felt better. He said he was glad he could make me feel better. So I said, “you and I both. and it wasn’t even that hard!”

This morning’s text was, “imagine if I tried really hard??” and good morning. I think I waited until after 8 to text back and say that I’d love to watch him try and asked when we’d start. I also told him I’d been awake but desperately contemplating sleep. Of course his response was something about “what if it involves spooning” and I literally laughed out loud. Like I couldn’t control it because come on dude? He doesn’t quit! No matter how many times I tell him I just want to be friends.

But I played it off ok this time. Didn’t get serious or remind him about my speech. I just said, “who are you trying to make feel better, me or you? Also, dude! Buy a girl a drink first!” Because yeah! I’m still waiting for my damn drink! And to spend time with him in person! He insisted that he’s been trying to buy me a drink but that my schedule’s “too crazy” and I asked what schedule he was talking about. The one where I’m free every afternoon? I also told him that I didn’t live on a schedule. He just said, “oh really??” and later I told him that it was all true but that there were exceptions so he couldn’t really hold me to it too closely. Then of course I got one of those “ok ok ok” responses because I’m pretty sure he wants to drive me absolutely insane! I guess it might increase his chances of getting with me though! ;) haha.

There were definitely a lot of things throughout the afternoon that I wanted to say but I never replied. I do have this weird desire to always be in communication with him though, which mostly serves to make me crazy.

I just need that one day. That one moment in person, just the two of us [and/or other patrons at whatever restaurant..] without interruption. I need it to make so many decisions! It’s completely eluding me though. =|

We’ll see what happens. I just need [a lot!] patience and to let the world work it all out.
Have faith kid! It always comes through for you!

Also I need sleep. Like a lot more sleep. I don’t even care who makes fun of me for it. It’s the only way to function! So I’m going to finish my drink and I’m going to get ready for bed. I hope to be able to sleep for the entire night sans interruption and be totally rested in the morning. I haven’t had a serious bout of insomnia since the early college years and I do not feel like joining forces again! No thank you!

Night world.

rose.
9:45pm