My first night in Stasbourg was great. Things were awkward for another couple of hours, but it turns out that Maryvonne's best friend is Kat's host, so the four of us ended up wandering around town for a couple of hours, and it was fun. Nothing was open, but we walked around and talked (switching languages from sentence to sentence) and it was a good conversation. They showed us the cathedral. I was litterally speechless when I first saw the cathedral. It looks like it fell from the sky. All the other buildings are just kind of old and cute and German looking, and then all of a sudden there's this giant gothic cathedral sticking up from them. It's just so huge and beautiful. I'm an atheist, and it filled me with a sense of awe. Now I understand why there are still so many Catholics in Europe. Then I went back to Maryvonne's house and had a conversation with her, her mother, and her sister for a good two hours all in French. It felt really good to have a whole conversation in French like that. I went to bed happy. The next day I went to school, and the day after that I went on some pointless excursion with the other Americans. That night the whole group went bowling.
Bowling started out ok. Maryvonne and I bowled with Kat, Sylvie, (her host) and Simona and Whitney, who'd both come without their hosts. I immediately realized/remembered that I suck at bowling. At first it didn't matter. None of us REALLY knew how, and Sylvie was even worse than me. I joked around with them about it, and it was ok. Then Simona and Maryvonne started talking, and I started to get a little uneasy. It was clear that they were both getting into "party mode." Although Simona talked to Maryvonne in slow, deliberate English, they were talking about the boys in the next lane and the bar on the other side of the alley. When we finished the game, Maryvonne asked if we wanted to play again. "Do you want to mix up the teams?" said Simona "Sorry?" "Do you want to mix up the teams?" She said it more slowly. I immediately got even more uneasy. Oh God, I thought. Now everyone's going to be flirting. I looked over to the other lane and saw John Aubrey coming back to his group with two Smirnof Ices.
After a long period of not knowing what was going on, we started another game. We played with partners. I noticed that Simona and Whitney were both partnered with French boys. Obviously, this was intentional. I wondered which French boy would be left over to be my partner. Then Jai came up to me and said "Hey Aidan, I'm with you." "Oh, ok." "Originally, I was with Kat and you were with Jaques." He smirked. "Jaques wanted to mix things up a little." There was a pause, and then he laughed. I looked at him for a second. "Did you have a Smirnof?" "No." "...Are you sure?" "Alright fine. But I'm not drunk."
We bowled. I continued to suck at it. In addition to this, I wasn't being very social. I talked to Jai a little, but Kat was busy with Jaques, and Maryvonne was busy with Simona and whatever French kid she was with. I tried to talk to her a few times, but it didn't work. At one point, a little voice in my head said "...She doesn't like me." It resonated for the rest of the night. I realized that she's not the kind of person I usually like either. After I got a gutterball once, Jai yelled out "Oh my God! I have to teach you how to bowl!" "Hey, don't yell at me. You could have been with Kat." "I had no say in it!" he hissed at me when I sat down. "It was Jaques' idea. It's not my fault he wants to screw her." We watched the two of them bowl. "I don't get along with him at all. It's just incredibly awkward. Jesus. He bowls like a girl." I refrained from insulting Maryvonne.
The night went on. Jai attempted to teach me how to bowl. Simona had a beer. Maryvonne continued to ignore me. And by the end of the night, Kat and Jaques still hadn't talked or made eye contact, but they were holding hands. Jaques looked smug. Kat looked uncomfortable. Jai seemed to feel the same way I did - out of place. "These French," he said. "All they do is drink, smoke, eat, and... you know." He tilted his head over to Jaques and Kat.
"You are so drunk dude," I said.
When we got home I stayed awake in bed for a long time. I wanted desperately not to be there. I didn't want to go home. I just didn't want to be anywhere. I found myself thinking of Adam. Maybe things would be better if I at least had him to look foreward to when I got home. But he doesn't love me anymore. I tried to figure out why, for the five thousanth time. Then I got very angry. I think I may have said it aloud. "I'm in a foriegn country! I should be having the time of my life! I have all the distractions in the world! I haven't thought about home, or my parents, or even my closest friends since I've been here! But I STILL shed tears for you!" I admitted it to myself then: I am so far from being over him. At this point, I should be. I don't understand it. I just can't shake it. The pain won't go away.
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