Ugly Cry... in Fresh Start...

Today was a long day.

I was exhausted last night but couldn’t go to bed until I fed everyone. Of course by the time I got done I had hit my 2nd wind and knew I wouldn’t get to bed anytime soon. So then I took apart my computer and cleaned the inside out and replaced a fan. There’s still another fan I want to replace. But once that was done and I had it up and running, I spent a while going through and deleting files. Mostly old stuff and stuff that the ex bf had put on my computer. It’s always been my desktop computer, but while with the ex bf he took it over. We had conflicting organizational ideas and I pretty much stopped using computers period. I was on them enough at work, I have a smartphone, and if I did use one at home it was my rarely used laptop. He probably, no he definitely spent more time in front of a computer than he did with me. Sad huh? I guess I started resenting them a little bit. He’s been gone 6 months and it took me this long to come in the office and mess with it.

I really need to just spend the weekend purging everything Ex from my house. It needs it.

Anyways… I stayed up til 3:30AM messing with the computer. I finally laid down and got maybe 3 hrs of sleep.

The next morning I had to try on clothes bc I had promised K that I would go to this fashion show for breast cancer survivors that her mom was in. First I had to talk to K’s mom for forever, then once I thought I was done, then K’s step-dad would not leave me alone. Constantly asking to see pics of my pigs etc. Then the show took forever, it was like 8:30 before we finally left. We made a quick stop at Joanns to pick up replacement snaps buttons for M’s wristband. I also picked up like 8 skeins of yarn for a project.

Went back to K’s and got in my car and headed home.

Played a song on my ipod called “Call Your Girlfriend.” Now if you just strictly listened to the lyrics you might think my ugly cry had something to do with M, but not the case. The song is a girl singing to a guy…

Call your girlfriend
It’s time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it’s not her fault
But you just met somebody new
Tell her not to get upset second guessing everything you said and done
And then when she gets upset tell her how you never meant to hurt no one
And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again
And it won’t make sense right now but you’re still her friend
And then you let her down easy

Call your girlfriend
It’s time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it’s not her fault
But you just met somebody new
Don’t you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed
Don’t you even try to explain how it’s so different when we kiss
And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again
And it won’t make sense right now but you’re still her friend
And then you let her down easy

Call your girlfriend
It’s time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it’s not her fault
But you just met somebody new
And now it’s gonna be me and you
And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again
And it won’t make sense right now but you’re still her friend
And then you let her down easy

Call your girlfriend
It’s time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it’s not her fault
But you just met somebody new

Call your girlfriend
It’s time you had the talk

… but yeah… that led to the ugly crying.

I’ve only heard that song bc of my ex bf. So it’s automatically going to make me think of him. And it just really made me realize that I’m really not ready to love again. I’m not ready to open myself up to that kind of hurt. I’m not ready to have anyone make me feel so absolutely not worth it. And no matter who says that it’s not my fault, and no matter how much my brain logically understands that, I still feel like I just was not enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not interesting enough. Not important enough. And it makes me feel so completely stupid to feel that way. And it was made even worse after I kicked him out. Because I kept talking to him. And I believed him when he kept saying he loved me. And despite already knowing at that point that if I did get back together with him ever that my father would have zero respect for me, and yet I still let him continue to prove to me just how little I actually meant. So yeah I’m stupid. And I cried the whole way home. And home is completely devoid of people. But completely full of everything I trust. Because puppies and piggies love you unconditionally. They don’t care what you look like and they won’t break your trust. You’ll never have to regret telling them your secrets or that you love them. And you can cry in front of them without feeling like you’re admitting weakness and defeat.

So I’m not ready for anyone to have that much power yet. I’m not ready to trust anyone. I’m not ready to love again.

But all I want is to not feel lonely all the time. To have someone just hold me and tell me that eventually everything will be alright again. To wipe my tears away and tell me I am important and that I’m not just enough, but everything, flaws and all.