stuck again in 2016

7:20pm

So, it looks like I’m going to head out of town, again!

I can’t believe how much traveling I’ve done this year, especially in the last month or two. It’s been crazy! Like just since August I’ve been in 14 different states. It’ll be 15 by next week. Wow. I thank my lucky stars every day for the opportunity to live this life! :-)

Speaking of being thankful: God always seems to have a way of coming through for you. I mean, I know this, but the reminders are nice to see and acknowledge! Just in this last week there have been so many moments where the universe seems to align in just the right way.

I’d clearly been having trouble figuring out the TF situation. I don’t know why everything has to be so difficult for me when it comes to this stuff. Blame it on inexperience and/or my over-analyzing brain, I guess. But I’d definitely decided to wait to contact until today. Although I was doing some major flip-flopping and was leaning towards not making any contact at all.

It’s just hard because I get these ideas in my head and then I can’t shake them enough to just live the life that’s set in front of me. So I was sitting there, Monday night maybe, asking the world to give me some kind of sign on what I should really do.

Honestly, a lot of this keeps coming back to ck. I know it’s crazy. I know I need to move on. I should have moved on a year ago, but I can’t help it. And I don’t know, but I assume, it’s because he’s the last guy I spent any significant amount of time with. Plus I really did enjoy being around him. He was so relaxing to sit with. So comforting. Made me laugh so much! Without even trying. It’s hard not to recall all the memories with fondness.

Sometimes they get in the way though. Where I start to think about how I’d rather be around him, or how he did something better, but we always just remember all the good right? I should go back and re-read all the moments that drove me insane. Maybe that’ll help. [Probably not…]

So yesterday morning I was lying in bed when I got a text. I glanced at the clock, thought it said 7:15, and figured it was JR bugging me about some work thing. It read: “Rose. Wake up!! It’s me, TF!!” but I glanced at the number and it wasn’t his. I was doing a lot of double takes. Especially because it was actually 8:15. hah.

When I finally got my head on straight I sent him a response along the lines of: well look at that. I figured I’d scared ya off. Just enough to change your number I guess. He replied that he still had the old number, ignored all the scared ya off stuff, and explained that he’d smashed his phone and this was a back up. I made a joke about how he was so mysterious with a back up phone and we exchanged texts throughout the day.

He seemed really subdued though. Like there was still an excessive amount of exclamation points and question marks, but his speech pattern [or tone? what would it be via text?] was coming out really quiet and kind of like something was wrong. I don’t like to read too much into texts [HA HA] but sometimes that stuff does have a way of coming across even in text form.

There were a lot of hints about hanging out and getting drinks, but he never asked. I’m not sure he’s going to ask again. Which mostly drives me nuts. Like I’m almost sure that spending an hour with him in person would push me in a different direction.

I hate that I keep getting stuck waiting for him to come after me. He did so much talking in the office that I’m surprised he hasn’t tried harder now that he has a way to connect. I mean, he’s been bold about certain things, but not about wanting to spend time with me. Which doesn’t make sense. I just want him to want to hang out. Is that so crazy? That I want to sit in the same room with him?

It’s frustrating. Because I want it all to start, but now I just feel like I’m pressuring him. Last night I made mention of telling him the roadtrip story if we ever hang out and he responded, “ok. ok. ok.” I got around to replying around 11:30 last night [after cold medication and whiskey, though I wasn’t weird about it..p.s. why am I sick?! damn germy people and recirculated air on planes!] I asked what that was supposed to mean? Like should I stop bringing it up and let it all go? At 6:20 this morning he responded saying that it meant I could just tell him when we were going to hang out.

Originally I thought he was trying to get me to tell him when to hang out. A couple of hours later, after I’d woken up, I was going to respond this way [saying that I was waiting for him to ask and tell me where to meet him] but my lovely over-thinking brain re-read the text and realized he was just saying that it was fine that I could tell him when we hung out. Dodged a bullet there.

I said something about text being lame, I’d work on my patience, and that someone should teach him how to sleep in. His response: “ok, ok, ok.” Argh. =| I said that I was pretty sure I was going to learn to really dislike that word by the end of things. He said, “you’re seeing an ending to this already???” and I laughed and said that I was still trying to figure out the beginning.
No response since then. That was sent this morning. And I’m stuck again. Not sure why this can’t be easier? I just want him to want to spend so much time with me that he falls over himself trying to be around me. And that’s clearly not happening.

Oh well. Such is life, right?

I’m still grateful that God and the universe brought amazing luck to my brother. He was super stressed about not being able to find a place and being kicked out of his temporary home. I’d planned to spend today researching and doing everything I could for him, because loyalty. But I didn’t have to. He called this morning to say he’d found a place, basically across the street from work, and would be able to sign and move in tomorrow. Plus the job he was looking into, which was sketchy, would also start tomorrow. I can’t believe that. That everything just falls into place for this crazy lucky kid. I’m so happy and excited for him!

So our tentative plan is to head out next week to visit my uncle and then maybe go all the way out to see my brother. It would be cool and fun. I love that area and as reluctant as I am to go on another trip, I think I could handle it.

Bed now though. Too much bourbon. ;)

rose.
10:38pm