I wrote this in my regular journal, and I've been debating whether or not to put it on here. I finally decided to, but don't take it too seriously.
I should really stop this. It's certainly wierd and inappropriate (especially considering the circumstances) and it even almost seems like a perversion. Oh, it's nothing BIG yet. Certainly nothing to worry about. I'm just... entertaining thoughts. I wonder casually what it would be like to kiss him, knowing that he's never done it before. I imagine taking his glasses off. I picture in my mind the way he looks without his glasses - probably moderately silly, and maybe somewhat vulnerable. I picture him looking like this, our noses almost touching. Then I kiss him, gently. I just sort of play with his mouth for a while. I imagine him looking slightly bewildered as I pull away. The innocence is cute.
Or I just think about him - still casually. His laugh. His voice. His pale skin. His tiny mouth. The awkward way in which he signaled my solos. The way he stands. The motions he makes with his hands. They are all... cute. That's the only word I can use to describe it. That's the way I feel about it. I entertain the thought "What if he were my boyfriend?" the same way one entertains the thought "What if we all lived in Harry-Potter-land?" or "What if Ralph Nader were actually president?" In my zany, "what if" world, I picture him taking me to jazz shows and wierd independant movies and putting his arm around me as we talk to Dave in the hallway. I imagine how silly it would look since he is about 8 inches taller than me. (and I'm not short.) Sometimes, I laugh.
A few times, I've thought about the talent show. We anylized the music, and it was fun. During one act, we both winced visibly at the same time. I said "tune much?" and he said "apparantly not." Usually, other people don't notice when things are out of tune. Another time, after they announced a band, we exchanged glances because the drummer was in our French class. "Mack?" he said, raising one eyebrow. "Yeah." "Who's that?" said Molly. "Just some kid we know," he said, looking back up at the stage.
See, I'm 90% sure there aren't actual legitimate feelings backing this up. I think it's just that I have little controll over my thoughts and that I tend to think circularly. (I'm not using the word "obsess" because it's not an obsession yet.) And even if it IS a crush... well, it's just a crush. I'm not really used to them, but I know they exist - just little... interests that aren't serious and don't go anywhere. Because I'm pretty sure it COULDN'T go anywhere. He doesn't seem to be interested in girls. Or guys. (I don't think) Hell, most of the time, he doesn't seem to be interested in PEOPLE. And even if it does develop into something substantial, do I really want a relationship with another introvert? NO NO NO.
And what if I'm subconciously just trying to find a replacement? I maintain that that wouldn't be cool. I don't want to be one of those people who thinks that relationships are nessescary, like Tom. Or... well... Adam.
Eh, whatever. I think I'm just going to stop worrying and take on the "It'll be interesting to see what comes of this" attitude.
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