Going Crazy in Inside My Head

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fighting with Michael or just generally unhappy with my life, but I’ve been thinking about college, especially about my relationship with Henry while in college. Before Open Diary closed I was able to save most of my entries…there was 400+ of them, so I may have forgotten to save a few, but I transferred most of them over to Prosebox. For the past several months I’ve been re-reading journal entries, particularly those from junior year. I always think, “what if?” Henry broke up with me, to put it nicely. Or to put it not so nicely completely stopped speaking to me after an argument. We were both staying up at college for the summer, me for a job, him to take extra classes. We got into a fight the night before I arrived back at campus and he refused to speak to me for the rest of the summer. I sometimes think, “What if I hadn’t spoken to him that night before and we continued our relationship throughout the following year? Would the relationship have lasted?” He approached me a few the following spring semester and called me a few times afterward, but I was already with Michael.

I did something crazy and actually looked him up on the Internet. Henry has a super common last name, so I didn’t find much. I’m not paying $20 for whitepages to give me his address, but apparently he used to live right by me. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I still sometimes think about him. I can pretty much guarantee he’s forgotten about me. It happened during my last pregnancy too, so maybe it’s just a pregnancy thing to think about him when I’m pregnant. If I had gone back to Henry and broken up with Michael, would I have been any happier than I am now? Because right now I’m pretty miserable. I’ve just turned 34, my husband didn’t get me so much as a card, I do not like either of my jobs, we’re broke, and my marriage is in a pretty shoddy state. I feel like complete garbage that I’m even looking Henry up. I’d never call him or go knock on his door and be like “Hey, remember me?” but it would be nice to know what happened to him. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just going crazy and grasping at straws.