a new challenge in Sometimes I feel dead inside

my winter jacket doesn't fit right. i put on a little weight recently. it doesn't help that right before the holidays i pinched a nerve in my shoulder. which put me out of commission for a bit longer than expected. i also ate like crap and drank quite a bit. yeah its cliche to start a workout program in the beginning of the year. i really don't have an excuse for that. it certainly wasn't the new year that prompted this. it really came down to the weather being cold and my coat not fitting right. i know it was a little tight as it was, i'm not going to lie here. i was a bit down over the last year or so. my best friend and uncle died, my grandmother is constantly knocking on death's door and could go at any minute, the girl who stepped up and helped me through it, left the country and essentially my life. i've been kind of adrift since then. nothing really seems important. no one is going to get close to me. nothing is going to change. and it won't, not unless i do something about it. so why not? i'm not happy with the way things are right now. i've been meaning to get back into a serious work out routine. i just got a new workout program. i see no problem with this. i'm a little nervous about the possible pitfalls of this program. sure its only 30 minutes a day. which is great and gives me little to no excuse for not doing it. its 7 days a week vs the 5 that i had been doing. that can present a little bit of a challenge. i know that i will have to take it a day at a time and not give up. but i want this, i figure its something that's worth it. i'm done living for other people, i need to improve myself. maybe that's not it, i just need to do something new and different. at least distract myself from the insanity that my life has been. i start thinking about horrible situations i fear for my father's health, i know his brother isn't long for this world either. my uncle had a talk with me this weekend, just about football but then he started mentioning his health. he's my future if i don't get myself together. i refuse to end up that way. i'm much smarter than that. my vices are vices, i don't need them. i certainly won't let them destroy my life. i've also come to recognize that most women i am physically involved with or romantically involved with are also a vice. i know it sounds terrible. but its not as bad as it sounds. well sometimes it is, some of these women are a bit creepy. i'm not sure if they are planning on keeping me hostage misery style or go with something a bit more texas chainsaw massacre style. strange that all of this comes out of my jacket not fitting the way it used to.