the world around us in 2016

4:06pm

So, I had the realization yesterday afternoon that I have been doing so much thinking about TF that I have neglected all of my other thoughts. I haven’t been contemplating life, or anything. It’s just been this constant stream of thoughts about him. The future, or lack thereof. What’s happened. How to change the current circumstances and whether or not I should actually try to do that. Just everything.

Last week, sitting in my hotel room in Orlando, I suddenly had this random thought cross into my conscious: that it was physically painful not to be talking to and/or seeing him.
Now, there wasn’t actually any physical pain. I was perfectly fine. But the thought caught me off guard. I’ve never even considered a thought like that before, about any one or any thing. It was so strange. I had no idea where it was coming from. Perhaps I’ve been watching too many hallmark movies. hah!

Then a couple of days ago, Friday maybe, I was having a conversation with Mom about wanting to disappear. The idea of heading off into the middle of nowhere was starting to sound very appealing again. It’s just hard to constantly worry about everyone and I don’t know how to turn that off. So we were talking about this and I said that I was going to move out into the middle of nowhere where no one could reach me. Ignorance would be bliss again and I’d stick my head in the sand. She goes, “oh! You want to be like the Sheriff and disappear for a couple weeks!” And I laughed because I hadn’t thought about him in a long time and it was totally true.

I told her that that was exactly what I wanted to do. Disappear and not have any access to technology. Go off the grid. But that I didn’t want to do it for just two weeks. She jumped in and said that I’d probably want to do it forever. And yeah. Pretty much.

It was interesting that she brought him up that way. I think part of that contributed to my realization that I hadn’t been thinking about anything else lately. It’s easy to see where that guy’s coming from. Constantly tied to his phone and other human beings. How amazing would it be to just go off the grid for two weeks and not have to deal with anything but yourself? I’d forgotten how appealing that idea had sounded to me at the end of last season.

Not that I have anywhere to run off to. Maybe I could call him up and convince him to let me borrow his space? That would be so perfect. =)

During this same conversation Mom also said something about telling God that I wasn’t really that selfish and to forgive me. haha. I threw that whole “only one life to live” thing at her. That it was exciting to think about not having to worry about anything and completely enjoying my life in the moment. sigh If only…

This all served its purpose though. To remind me that there are other things out there to contemplate. That the world doesn’t stop. That I need to remember all of the stuff I want to accomplish before it’s too late.

Is this how it goes though? The constant thoughts? Do they ever go away?

I mean, today I woke up and I’m pretty whatever about the whole situation. Which is insane. How does it jump from “all the time” to “whatever” in a day? Maybe it’s because I acknowledged what was going on? Plus I made a decision about what I wanted to do. I’m giving it until Wednesday after work. If I haven’t heard anything from him by then I am giving myself permission to shoot him a text.

For some reason this started to cause me some stress earlier, like I knew I’d be thinking about it all week, but I’m letting it go. I’ll wait until Wednesday and then make the decision. No point in worrying about it right now when there’s nothing I’m going to do about it. So after work on that day I’ll sit around and consider whether I want to make that move or not.
Is it worth it to me? Should I just wait for him to come back? He is the one that left me hanging. Going from wake up and good night texts to radio silence. That wasn’t coming from me. The “lol” response was non-committal. I don’t want to push it. Am I making him work too hard? These are all thoughts right now, but I’m not going to let them take over my brain space anymore. I have so many other things to contemplate!

Life is too crazy, and mysterious, and amazing to just let it pass me by!

rose.
4:32pm