Another bad day. My mom drove me to school again. I stared into space in the morning again. (I wish I had somewhere to go besides the hallway.) All of my classes were as they always are. What made the day bad was after school. First I went to this meeting about going to France. Oh, I should probably mention that I'm going to France in a week. You'd think that this would be a huge deal, especially since I've never been anywhere before ever. Seriously - I've never been on a plane. I've never even been out of this time zone. And I'm going to a whole different country where they speak a whole different language, for ten days. And I'm going to actually stay with a family and go to a French school. I'm not just going to be a tourist. It should be very exciting, but somehow I can't get more than a little excited about it. Maybe this is because I am paranoid that something will happen at the last minute and I won't be able to go, so I don't want to get my hopes up. I keep thinking "What if I get sick? What if there's some screw-up with the money? What if I can't get past customs? What if there's another terrorist attack and they cancel the trip? What if the plane crashes on the way over and I never get there?" I think this is my natural reaction to really good things happenning. I've always desperately wanted to leave the country, and it's always been an impossible dream. So now that it's actually happenning, I automatically think that there's some catch. I can't leave the country. Not ME.
Anyway, after the France meeting was the runthrough for the talent show. I had to leave the meeting early, and I think my French teacher was kind of mad at me. I know it was an important meeting, but the talent show's important too. We had a lot of techie trouble at the beginning, which Adam fixed. We were the first band on. (Yeah, Pete the techie is a big liar, because we're the second band in the show, right after the best band in the school, which sucks. The first band didn't show up at the runthrough for some reason.) And we weren't that good. Ob-La-Dee Ob-La-Da was okay, but Dave couldn't find the right partial for Low Rider, and Adam was playing his part off the beat. And I screwed up my mad bass solo. And the ending was kind of weak. Overall, we just weren't that impressive. It was just kind of... bad. Oh well. I'm sure it sounded worse to me than it did to everyone else. Maybe people didn't notice Dave's misplaced partial. And you can hardly hear Adam's part anyway.
Then I sat in the hallway for a while, listening to the other bands that were better than us. During the silence, I jammed by myself, unplugged, as people walked by. Greg sat with me for a while. Then he left. I called my mom and she picked me up. When I got home I ate a lot of pie and a lot of sushi.
Adam wasn't running away from me today, but things were still pretty awkward. And you know what? I think that the awkwardness was mostly my fault. This is wierd. It didn't occour to me that I would be the one incapable of being mature about this. He was in the group I was talking to at lunch, but I talked louder than normal, and when he tried to make eye contact I looked away. Band-related stuff was a little better. We seem to be able to put things mostly aside when it comes to music. But it was still there a little. At three thirty or so, I heard Hattie say "You're LEAVING? You can't LEAVE!" "Yes I can. I'm not working the show." "You're the sound guy! You have to work the show!" "Not when I'm playing in it." "Fine. Leave." Adam's stuff was right next to where I was sitting in the hallway. He picked it up without looking at me. I continued playing. As he passed me on his way out, he said "see you later" without looking at me, and I said "bye" without looking at him.
You know why Valentine's day is going to suck? There's this thing in our school where you can buy someone a carnation and have it delivered to their first block class on Valentine's Day. Other people will get a carnation, and I will not. Well, last year Eric gave them to everyone, but that doesn't count. Oh God, Ivy's in my first block class. If she gets one, it will be the end of me.
I hate myself for writing about Adam this much. Aren't there more interesting things going on in my life? I guess this is the one that requires the most sorting out, so it makes sense in that way. Still, why do I THINK about it so much? Maybe if I didn't think about it, it would be less awkward. But I can't help it. It's just the way I am. I absolutely must anylize this until it lies gasping for breath on the floor. And I must keep trying to relive the making out in my head, to try and preserve those memories. I must obsess, even if it's only a little. What I'm really afraid I'll end up doing is finding someone else to fixate on. That wouldn't be cool. I really should just try to controll this myself - just get back into the "no romantic interest and fine with it" stage. But I'm also afraid that that will be easier said than done.
Oh God. They thought we were going to have a snow day tomorrow, but it turns out it's just going to rain. That means I have two quizzes and a test tomorrow, and I'm not prepared for any of them. I also have gym. And we can't have a day-long bridge rehearsal. So yeah, I'm pretty royally fucked.
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