I was barely able to drag myself out of bed Friday. I stayed in bed about fifteen minutes later than I should have, and when I tried to sit up, I almost blacked out. I had a splitting headache. I really hadn't gotten much sleep. I had to walk around the house leaning on things. I was starving, but I couldn't eat. I was still emotionally shattered. My mom noticed this, and suggested that I stay home from school. "I don't want you to drag yourself in and then have to come home, or break down in front of your friends, or do badly on exams. Becuase exams CAN be made up." (Yes, today was our first day of finals. Some people will probably say that it was a horrible time for him to break up with me, but I don't blame him, really. There is no good time to break up with someone.) I think it was because she said this that I was able to gather up the strength to get out the door. Seriously, staying home from school because your boyfriend broke up with you is the epitomy or patheticism. (Jesus, that was an inside joke we had. Everything reminds me of him.)
On the bus and when I first got to school, it was pretty bad. I wandered the halls for five or ten minutes, thinking, "Oh shit, where am I going to GO?" But then I sucked it up and went to hang out with my friends, and I felt a lot better. I don't think they could even tell anything was wrong. He was not there. I talked to Toby and Tom and people for a little bit, and then I went I went to my chem exam with Toby and Sam. We "studied" (she studied out loud and I made sure I knew vaguely what she was talking about the whole time.) and I told her. Again though, she doesn't really seem to understand the whole relationship thing. I started to cry a little during the exam a few times. But I got through it ok, and I think I did pretty well. (It was a lot easier than Toby thought it would be. She kind of freaks out over things like this. She is one of those kids who is not exceptionally smart but stays in all level one classes by working very hard.)
After the exam I went down to the foyer. Dave came up to me and said "Hey, are you gonna stay here or freeze your ass off?"
"I was thinking I was going to stay here."
"No you're not," said Eric, who had come up behind me and put his elbow on my shoulder. "You're not going to be a loser and you're going to come to Papa Gino's with us." So I went downtown with what ended up being a pretty giant group of people. I didn't even have to walk, because Tom grabbed me and Julian from the back of the group and we snuck off and got a ride in his girlfriend's car. (More about that later.) Then I ended up sitting in Papa Gino's for an hour talking to Dave and Eric, and then wandering around town for a while before I had to go back for my French final. Jenn was there, and she's perhaps the least socially retarded of all my close friends, so she asked me how I was doing since yesterday, and we talked, and I even managed to convince myself that I was relatively okay with the whole thing.
I accidentally left my keys at school, so I ended up sitting in my neighbor's house for a while to get out of the cold. She's pretty old, and she lives alone with her dog, but she's not one of those creepy old ladies. I like her. She's pretty awesome. I can tell she thinks very mathematically and never took any crap from anybody, and she used to be a Latin teacher. Every Latin teacher I've ever met has been pretty awesome, although that might change once I start Latin next semester.
Anyway, after that my mom offered to take me shopping, so I went. We went to the Gap, and I think I bought some stuff, but I had started not feeling great again, so none of it was very exciting. My mom said I looked pale. Then as we were sitting in the car eating McDonald's food (it was all that I thought would taste good to me, and it still didn't taste good.) I just burst into tears over my fries.
"Are you ok?" she said. I shook my head. "Thinking about Adam again?" I nodded. "...Are you just upset that it's over, or..."
"What else would it be?" There was a lot of awkward silence in there, but then I ended up talking about it, and it actually ended up helping. Because I wasn't anylizing things. I wasn't saying, "Well, using logic, I've figured out that these are the contributing factors of this." I was saying "This is how I feel," which I used to think was kind of stupid. But it helped. I even ended up talking about how I hate Ivy, and guess what? My mom hates her too. As we approached home, I said "I can't go home mom."
"Well where do you want to go?"
"I don't know. Just not home." So we ended up driving around in circles for about an hour, and I just vented. I still didn't sleep well.
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