Sorry. I couldn't do anything at all last night except come on and copy and paste that from my email.
When I started reading it, I honestly thought that it was an appology. I thought that everything was going to be ok again, like it was this summer and during band season. When I finished it, I just kind of stared at the screen, said "Jesus Fucking Christ" and then went to the bathroom and threw up. It was very strange. I mean, of course I cried. I cried a lot. But overall, It didn't seem that much like emotional pain. It can't be described as being SAD. It felt like physical pain. There was the horrible nausia (I threw up over it four times in all.) Then I had a splitting headache, and, worst of all, my heart started beating about three times faster than it's supposed to, and I couldn't get it to stop. I could feel that my systems were going too fast. I was hyperventilating. But they just kept GOING like that. I collapsed on the floor. My God, I canít even begin to describe how painful it was. This doesnít cut it at all. It felt like it lasted for hours. It was really half an hour. Then I tried to call him and got the machine. Then I took a 45 minute shower. I managed to pull myself together. I was still in pain, but at least I was no longer panicking. I called him again. The conversation was short. It went something like this:
Me: Hi. I got your email, and I do want to talk to you about it.
Him: Ok.
Me: ...I never really got the details of what happenned.
Him: Well I never really got the details of what happenned either.
Me: No, I mean, I... heard a rumor that you asked someone else out.
Him: Oh, that. No.
Me: Oh... Thatís wierd. What... How...
Him: Well, thereís this girl in my chem class that Iím friends with, and sometimes we walk in the hallway together between classes...
At this point, I started to feel unbelievably nausious, so I said ìHold on sorryî very quickly and threw up again. Then I called him back.
Me: Sorry, I just...
Him: Hung up on me.
He sounded like he felt awful. There was a pause.
Him: Where was I?
Me: Thereís this girl in your chem class that youíre friends with...
Him: Right. And... somehow the rumor got started that we were going out.
Me: Oh. Thatís good. Listen though, those last two months - They werenít intentional...
Him: I know they werenít. Not for me either.
Me: I just donít want you to think -
Him: Donít blame yourself. Itís not YOU.
At this point, I gave up trying to explain. But really, I screwed up. I should have tried to talk to him more about why he was ignoring me, or else just not let him. It didnít have to END because of it. Why were we so stupid?
Me: Well, I hope we can be mature about this.
Him: I hope we can too. I still like you, just... not in that way.
Me: Alright, well... talk to you later
Him: Bye.
I ended up having to tell my mom about it since she saw me throwing up. She tried to talk to me, but none of it made me feel any better. Then I told Jenn online, which only made me feel a little better. Other than that, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I couldn't believe it was over. Everything was over. Seriously, what was I going to do?
I didn't sleep too well. I woke up for about an hour during the night, and I couldn't go back to sleep because there was so much tension in my body. I threw up again, twice. It wasn't just that I was depressed, it didn't seem RIGHT. It didn't make sense. It seemed... twisted, somehow. But it still wasn't completely sinking in.
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