Winter sucks. I've been cold all day. I'm inside right now with a winter coat on, and I'm still shaking.
Last night I got really depressed. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with my parents, and I kind of freaked out when they kept having to use the computer in my room. I didn't yell at them or anything, I just went into the other room and curled up into a ball and started shaking, and my father discoved me. My parents ended up getting mad at me for being like this. I don't know what they were hoping to accoplish in getting mad at me. I can't do anything about it. I just need a lot of personal space. Then at night I got really depressed, and lay on my bed and cried. I wasn't sure why at first, but then I realized that some voice in my head was saying over and over "He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me." I resolved to talk to him at school the next day. We need to start seeing each other again. Or just talking to each other would be nice.
When I got to school this morning (after a mini-fight with my mom about not getting out of the house on time) I stood around outside my friend's locker where everyone gathers in the morning. I was standing with Eric and Ivy talking about something or other when Ivy said, out of the blue "Are you still going out with Adam?" Oh Jesus, I thought, Here we go. "Yes, technically. He hasn't really talked to me lately." "Oh. Well I was wondering, just because... well, maybe I shouldn't tell you this..." "Tell me." "Well it's just that... There's this girl in my creative writing class, and she's in his chem class, and she said... she said he asked her out." There was a pause. "I knew I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't have told you." "Are you sure? Are you sure there wasn't some kind of miscommunication?" "That's what she said." She frowned a little. "That doesn't sound like him though." "No, it really doesn't" "I mean, maybe it was just a friendly thing and she misinterpreted it. Anyway, that's what she said. And I mean, I know if it were me I'd want to know." "Who is she?" "You wouldn't know her. She's a junior. She's very pretty." There was another pause. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't believe you," I said. Then, "...Were there ever times... when you were going out... that you just didn't talk?" "Well there was one time when I didn't talk to him because he didn't show up for a date, but then he appologized so it was ok again..." "No, I mean, where he just ignored you for long periods of time?" "Yes," she said simply. I went to chemistry.
I sat in the classroom. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it. I felt as if my heart had litterally been ripped out of my chest. I sat in silence until Toby asked me if I was ok. Then I told her what Ivy had told me. "That doesn't sound like him," she said.
"I know.... I might be more apt to believe it if I hadn't heard it from Ivy. Is that unreasonable?"
She knew what I meant. "No, It's not."
We talked about it a little. I told her about us not talking. "Did Ivy ever complain to you about that?" Ivy and Toby are pretty close.
Her eyes widened. "Yes. I mean, during band season they had an excuse to see each other all the time, but after that she didn't STOP complaining - 'He won't talk to me! I don't know what's wrong!'"
"It's the same thing with us," I said. "Toby, I might have to break up with him." I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.
"But the asking her out thing... It might not be true..."
"Yeah, but the not talking to eachother? That's just not NORMAL. We can't go on just not talking to each other." I put my head on my desk. "SOMEbody's going to die tomorrow."
"Either Adam or the girl..." she grinned. Toby's pretty immature. She's never been in a relationship and I don't think she quite understands them. She seemed to take my complaining rather lightly. She didn't understand that it felt like the whole fucking world was over.
"No. Adam if he asked her out, Ivy if she lied to me."
Later I complained to some non-socially retarded friends of mine. I think they are more than aquaintences, but they were "popular" in middle school, and as a result aren't part of the group I hang out with. They gave me some decent advice with I probably do not have the capacity to follow: Confront him. Sit down face to face and examine the relationship to find out what's wrong with it. If it's not worth fixing, break up with him. They don't understand either. I mean, I could do it, but I don't think they were taking into account how hard it would be. We've never talked like that. We talk about physics and politics, not "our relationship."
I didn't talk to him all day. At lunch he went to shop to build sets with Hattie, another hard-core techie and band geek. Honestly, I didn't WANT to talk to him. I couldn't. He left his calculator in the cafeteria. Before third block started, I walked into his classroom and put in on his desk. He said "Oh - thankyou..." but I didn't look at him.
I don't know when I'm going to confront him. Obviously I have to. I mean, not about the asking-the-junior-out thing. I might not even bring that up. Ivy's a psychopath. (see next entry) It's probably not true. But we've grown apart. I should probably call him. Let's see if I get up the courage.
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