The first part below I started on the 22nd but never finished
09-22-16
Today has been a struggle, a hard one. My depression and darkness have teemed up with my demons and are trying to tie me up but I have been doing everything all day to fight back. I woke up at 11 am but was really tired still so I took a muscle relaxer and went back to bed and slept in till 2. These damn feelings keep coming, my memories haunt me, and I have a strong sadness about missing the good days back in school and with friends and with the man who was my mentor from 7th grade through 12th. He was a good guy and we had a lot of fun together, flying kites, playing games. I miss him. Today I re read some of my old entries and remembered about smashing up some ativan and snorting it which actually really did help me for a while. I really miss my mentor, he was such a positive person and a beacon of light in my life. After I texted him today I felt really good and said a prayer for his family and himself.
For the past week and a half or so except for yesterday I have been feeling really down. My moods have gone from very frequent changes to more long drawn out moods. Yesterday was the exception, I thought the dark clouds had moved on to blue open skies but I might have been wrong. All day today my mood has been flipping on and off with the darkness, it’s like one demon is holding me and the other is repeatedly flipping a coin to determine my mood for today. “Stay strong, keep moving on, con’t let the darkness blind us.” Like the song says, “I’ve been fighting the same old war, against a disease without a cure, been holding on for so long, for so long, for so long, been wishing upon a star as my universe falls apart.” I’m getting close to my 300th entry, just one away after this article. My demons let me loose in this large house like structure and they chase me through it, I have to run and hide they want to play some twisted version of hide and seek. They want to hurt me, and tear me apart. Then for laughs they’d put me back together and do it all over again. My demons don’t have faces, not normal ones anyway, they’re mostly black forms with a plain white face, dark endless tunnels for eyes and twisted smiles.
Normally they like to torture me all day long but like I said, they have thought up more twisted ways to tear me apart and it seems today it is hide and seek and coin flipping. When I’m not feeling this overbearing relentless darkness I feel just numb.
the song my demons play for “Our little game”
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