TRIGGERWARNING

Ignoring the whole “Brianna Wu made up fake death threats for publicity dollars” thing, I went into Rev60 with a completely open mind. For those who don’t know, this game was apparently made by all females, which is nice because it proves gender equality exists and women are just as capable as men at creating utter garbage games. Now I don’t want to be too harsh reviewing this game, because it could’ve potentially been a wonderful, award-winning game if only they changed every aspect of it and had another company develop it and the game was the complete polar opposite of what it is now.

So with this in mind, I’ll try to cover some of the major issues I had with Revolution 60:

1) The story seems to consist of random words strung together in a way to construct sentences. I’m fairly convinced the dialogue was created by a parrot jumping around on a keyboard for several days. To the best of my knowledge, the plot centers around three Bratz doll-looking women who may or may not be cyborgs wearing skintight outfits to show off their ridiculously disproportionate figures. There’s a big computer that’s a chessboard and a rocketship made out of purple cups and futuristic flying crates. Also there are bad guys that are trying to do something bad that the good guys (girls) have to stop. It may involve China and a bomb and a computer but I really can’t be sure due to the fact that every time something happened in the story, I was too busy thinking of ways to kill myself.

2) The dialogue was written by, I’m guessing, an 80-year old grandmother who once read a William Gibson novel. The characters say things like “upload” and “mainframe” and “trojan.” It’s all very cyberpunk and high tech and you feel like you’re in the future, which is a better alternative to being in the present, where you’re playing this game. There are dialogue choices which supposedly determine which ending you get, but nobody in their right mind would ever be able to get to the ending of this game without being institutionalized.

3) I don’t want to say the combat in this game is the worst, slowest, most excruciatingly painful experience ever, so I’ll just type it instead: the combat in this game is the worst, slowest, most excruciatingly painful experience ever. You’re on one side of a grid and the enemy is on the other and you take turns moving from space to space, shooting each other with projectiles that travel as fast as a watermelon. All the enemies I faced looked like rednecks who were on their way to a paintball competition. If you shoot your enemy enough you eventually get a “special” attack which does a ton more damage to them; you kick them in the face. In the future, kicking is more lethal than firearms.

4) The level design was inspired by the concept of “taking random geometric shapes, placing them in arbitrary locations, and covering them with garish neon hell textures.” Every colour ever created, both real and imaginary, are used together in an orgy of obscene digital vomit. There are approximately 10 polygons per mission, and half of them are used on the characters’ breasts.

5) The gameplay… uh, well there is no gameplay to speak of, unless you consider “typing words” and “hitting the spacebar” to be gameplay. If you like typing stupid words, which the creators of this game obviously did, then you’ll still hate this game but you might hate it slightly less. Sometimes there are QTEs where you have to press an arrow key up or down within a certain time limit. That’s exciting. There’s a hacking minigame where you must press an arrow key up or down OR left or right which really ups the stakes. I was on the edge of my seat during these moments, mostly because I was trying to get up and leave my computer.

6) The music and SFX are nearly all royalty free garbage you can still find on Geocities sites. The voice actors were decent, especially if you compare them to an air raid siren going off in your ear for several hours.

7) If there’s anything else I forgot to mention, you can pretty much assume it sucks too.

In conclusion, this game is a digital car wreck with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, except perhaps as an effective tool for brutal communist dictatorships to torture dissidents. If you pay money for this game, you are a very stupid person who makes very stupid decisions and you should be confined by the authorities indefinitely. I regret every moment I wasted playing this flaming trash heap when I could’ve been doing something more constructive, like stapling my balls to a utility pole. If you ever read a positive review of this game, you can safely assume the person who wrote it suffered severe brain damage and should be both pitied and mocked, as I am convinced this game will eventually be outlawed by the UN under their anti-torture policies.