open mind in 2016

7:51pm

Well, I made it through the first busy weekend of September successfully! Only two more to go.

It was actually really good. I can’t remember the last time I socialized so much with people my own age. And people that I’ve known forever too, which made it even more awesome! It’s crazy that us girls can spend years not seeing each other [I found out Saturday that Y and K haven’t seen each other since high school!] and we pick up as if no time has passed at all.

I always feel like I don’t have a lot of friends. Trying to make friends as an adult is horrible but it’s even worse for a shy introvert that prefers to spend time alone at home. Then I have moments like this, with these girls that I hardly speak with or see, and I remember that I do in fact have friends. Good friends. Lifelong friends that I will forever be grateful for. =)

I do have plans to keep in better touch with Y though [well it would be nice with everyone, but she’s the closest]. It would be great to at least hang out a couple of times a year. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, maybe drinks/dinner or something, but just spending time and catching up on life. I think it would be good for us. I know that these girls will always be around for me but it would be nice to spend more time nurturing the friendships.

Anyway, the socializing and busy stuff was good for me. I mean I had that work expo on the base on Thursday so that basically took the entire day. Friday was the wedding which was amazingly fun! And Saturday I worked in the early afternoon and then carpooled with K to hang out with YR and her bf for dinner. We didn’t get home until like 11 each night and by the time I wind down from the crazy I was going to bed around 1am or later.

It was good for me though because it was a major distraction from the depressing thoughts. They hit me again yesterday. Like I could feel myself falling and I’m having a hard time deciding whether I want to let myself or not. I’d had the idea to skip church [mom was going to go Saturday but decided last minute not to, perhaps for unknown reasons] and then we were going to go out to dinner. I figured I couldn’t put the effort into going to dinner if I wouldn’t do it for church, but by 3 o’clock I decided it was probably best if I got ready and went.

So I sat there and I reflected and I specifically remember saying that I knew I was falling into this depression thing again and I was pretty sure I wanted to feel it all. I was going to let my body/brain absorb it and just go with it. Which is maybe not the best way to go, but some times you just want to give in and sink down with it.

Honestly, a lot of these thoughts were stemming from still being wrapped up in the ck thing. I don’t know why, but he’s come up a lot lately. I keep remembering all these random moments and I fall into them again. You’d think my brain would be like, “dude! He hasn’t contacted you in over a year - get over it!” But the reality is that this darn irrational brain is telling me that so many things were fated in our interactions, and I always said five years, and maybe he’ll come back, and he was so imperfectly perfect for you. ugh. So not helpful brain!

Plus this whole TF thing. And maybe a lot about being at a wedding and everyone being attached. The fact that he hadn’t come back to look for me. Just everything.
I also said something, either yesterday or today, about how if things were more fated between us then maybe I’d be more willing to jump in and overlook the baggage.

Then today we’re driving back from the home improvement store and mom suggests I call the office to check messages. We were on our way over there but wanted to see if the guys we were meeting had left a message. I call and the first is a hang up call. The second is the same number calling back and it turns out to be the guy in charge of the case that involves TF. hmmm? Should I read into this Mr. Universe? Because it’s been about a month since the last contact.

sidenote: I’m not really one to believe in horoscopes. Occasionally I find one that mysteriously fits in with life, but it’s not common. So yesterday it said that I was having a lot of negative feelings but I wasn’t necessarily sad, just that I was having a lot of thoughts around my love life [paraphrasing here but that was the gist]. Yup. Then for today it said that it was an important day for my love life. I’d have to face fears and desires and be true to myself. That I’d have to take emotional risks, etc.

So we came home, changed cars, and drove to the office. The guys opted to just show up on Wednesday. Mom then called TF to ask about some papers she needed. She was telling him to find them and we’d be in the office all day on Weds. At the end of the conversation I heard that very familiar laughter from Mom where I knew they were talking about me. I heard her say, “Yeah of course....She’ll be here. She’s always here…” I rolled my eyes and tuned out what ever the rest of that was.

When she hung up she said that he asked if his “future girlfriend” was going to be there. My response? “Dude, are you serious?? Who says that to someone’s mother!?!” haha. He’s really stepping up his game. Being bold and all that.
It has taken me a while to write this and already tonight Mom has mentioned several times about him calling me his “future gf” and all this. She’s said stuff that I should say to him and wants to participate in this whole thing. But seriously? She’s not allowed to participate. I’m sorry, but no. This was easier when ck was all shy and quiet about stuff but this guy is all bold around my mother. Except he doesn’t say half this stuff to me. ha.

A few minutes later, after the call, we started poking through his papers. Turns out we found the one he was missing so she called him back. He wouldn’t have to come in after all. At the end of the conversation I could again tell they were talking about me. I guess he’d said to tell her daughter to stop prank calling him because it was getting a little bit weird. [ha. yeah right!] and then my mother said that I was waiting because he was supposed to take me out to dinner. He made comment that he didn’t have my personal number and it would be weird to call the office for something like that. All I heard was her saying that she wasn’t going to get involved in that and that was none of her business. hah. Like she hasn’t been involved in this whole thing. Those two will have my marriage arranged by the time they’re done!

I don’t know. I won’t read into it. He tends to say a lot of stuff to her that he won’t say to me [according to her that that’s why she told him to just ask me already lol].

We are now going to go in early tomorrow. I was promised breakfast though so I’m down. He shouldn’t have to show up Weds so we’ll see what happens with that. Mom was giving me a hard time about not giving out my number but I swear he never asked for it. He made comments about it not being on my card but he never asked! I don’t take subtle remarks. I need full-on obvious type stuff. So we’ll see how it goes. I’ve had slightly too much to drink tonight and I need to go to bed. This may or may not make sense at this point. hah.

Good night.
rose.
11:32pm