I hope to have the energy to catch up on all of my back time. Sadly, it will be shy on details. The minutiae I seek to preserve will be absent for late summer and early fall.
That having been said, the trip to Michigan was bad. And Simona and I are, evidently, through.
This has gotten me to thinking quite a bit more than normal about my past relationships and everything that went wrong. To be honest, I feel like I’m very near to what I call a “constructive bottom”, which is about where I was in the spring of ‘14. I’m fairly certain that I’m depressed and in a bad way, but I just feel so tired and dead to everything that it doesn’t even really register. Still, it’s a good place. I can’t force myself to think much or get my mind in the right place, but I’m exercising, and that’s good.
Really, in some ways, I’m glad she’s gone. She was one more string tying me to a world I’m not sure I ever really wanted to be a part of. There’s a beautiful and magical freedom in just floating in isolation. Scattered D&D conversations with Tris and Courtney notwithstanding, I’m not talking much. Especially with Simona gone.
I miss people, of course; and sometimes it hits me just how much I miss people and just how alone I really am. The ticking of Simona’s clock was a bit too loud for our relationship, but it seems that these are the women appropriate for me at this stage in life. I’m fairly certain that I missed the boat.
I’m becoming more and more sure that a life that I’d always imagined I’d have won’t be mine, and I’m feeling a desire to cut off more and more of the things I’ve accepted and taken for granted. It’s terrifying, but freeing at the same time.
I want, I want so very badly, to have the kind of intense feelings that I had when I was young. Those feelings that Simona assures me I certainly don’t have anymore. I agree with her, and her words, probably meant as insults, just confirmed a lot of what I’ve long suspected. I’m training myself now, hopefully with more success this time, to accept that the past is dead. I can’t change anything. There’s no point in even thinking about what I would have or should have done differently. I’ve gleaned all that there is to glean. Now . . . it’s just a painful exercise in futility.
I think part of my fixation on women is that my mind wanders and has a bad habit of going down certain paths. I can’t say that I’m fixed on Amber, or have been, but various things that she told me come through to me quite a bit, and my mind wanders there out of sheer habit. After trying to fight this off, I’ve begun to simply replace the course of the thinking.
So, I’m in a bad place, but maybe it’s the start of a good one. Or maybe it’s the beginning of the end.