embrace it & begin again in 2016

10:11pm

Today was a depressing day. I don’t even know why. I mean, it might have had something to do with the fact that I hardly got any sleep. Woke up some time around 2am and had the worst time getting back to sleep. To the point where I was contemplating counting sheep and then forgot to start counting because my thoughts were so intrusive. heh.

That’s just life I guess. Every now and then you have a bad night and that leads to a sad day. Honestly, I let myself dwell in the moment and all the feelings. I tried to get out of it for a minute there. I danced around to some good music that came on shuffle as I got ready for work. But then I got into an “argument” trying to explain my feelings to Mom and it went back downhill from there. So I just sat in it and didn’t try very hard to get out of it.

I know that I could have pulled myself out, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel it all and let myself have just this one day to feel sad/depressed/bummed out by the world. I think that’s ok. It won’t hurt me in the long run and it’s good to get those feelings out. You can’t be all happy and joyful forever. I still thought I looked damn good in my cute shirt with my amazing hair. But mostly I just laughed at myself and let the depression roam around me. And I don’t feel bad about it.

Some of this has to do with the flirt, clearly. Every day that passes. Every work day that goes without word. I’m horrible at taking my own advice. I’m horrible at waiting around for things that might happen. I have the horrible habit of daydreaming about all that it could or couldn’t be. I can’t help it! As much as I try I always end up in the same mindset. It’s pointless to chastise my own mind for it too. That won’t do me any good. I just hate that I feel this way all of a sudden. I know I could have let it go so much easier if he hadn’t made that last move. It would have been easier to blow off as just another weird flirtatious moment between us. But no. He had to make the move and then disappear. So now I’m sitting here wondering what happened. Every day that passes makes it a little more maddening and a little more annoying.

I wish I could just be over it. Move on and go back to the way things were. He’s sorta ruined that for me. And yes I’m stuck in that 7% right now where everything sucks and I don’t want to wait around anymore. I’m over it. Whatever.

Tomorrow’s a brand new day. I’m going to wake up and follow my little to do list I just put together. I’m going to go out and enjoy this work expo we have going on. I’ll try to smile more, walk around more, be friendly. I’ll feel good about myself and accept life as it is.

Then the next day I’ll get up and get ready to go to Y’s wedding. I’ll completely enjoy celebrating with her and for her. I’ll enjoy hanging out with all the old high school girls finally being together again! I’ll make an effort to feel good in that dress and walk in high heels. :) I’ll have fun and forget about everything else that’s going on.

On the weekend I’ll stay open to us all getting together again. Next week I’ll do more of the same. Work. Expo. Trip. Enjoying myself and living each moment in the moment. There’s no point in worrying so much about the future. It’ll come when and how it wants to. I know I have to keep reminding myself of this fact, but it’s true. It always does what it wants. I just need to remember to do what I want. To enjoy each and every moment as it comes. No more dwelling. No more hoping for something that may or may not exist. It’s not worth my time. I just want to learn how to take advantage of every single moment that I have available to me.

For now I’ll go to bed and try to get some more sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning and I’ll start fresh and new. New days. New beginnings. That’s all they are. And that’s all I need. =)

rose.
10:27pm