lo que siente un corazón in 2016

7:16pm

So, let me go ahead and update on where I’m at currently; at least in terms of my headspace.

I swear I’m not obsessing over this one. I am mostly not overthinking it anymore. =] But I do feel the need to document it. It’s interesting. I enjoy looking back and reading these moments. If only to laugh and reminisce.

Anyway, where I’m at: I probably spend about 93% of the time being perfectly content with the world taking its time and working itself out. These things always have a way of working themselves out. Looking back on life, it tends to make sense. Like perfectly clear God and the Universe had a plan the entire time and were taking me exactly where I needed to be. I just didn’t know it in the moment. :-)

The other 7% of the time, well, I mostly spend that being completely impatient. Wanting this to start up so badly because it’s so different. And I feel so ready. I never expected to be in this stage with him. Not ever. He was always just that guy that came in and I’d watch from afar.

I tired to find all the moments when I know I mentioned him. Without ever having given him a name or nickname but I was talking about him. There were so many moments where it just wasn’t the usual stuff going on. I specifically remember these but I’m not sure that I wrote them all out into words. I wish I could go back and mention them. I think it was always just not wanting to talk shop with details. Interesting the way it all works out though. That you’d want to go back and read stuff like that. Which is why I’m wanting to document every thing all the time.

He’s already made a difference in my life. I think that’s why most of me is totally content with the way it’s gone. Because I know that I am different because of him. Just the fact that I can walk by a mirror and smile at myself. That’s huge for me. And I know a part of that is his doing. I’ve never felt this way about myself. Never had this kind of confidence. And I don’t know how he did it, or why, but it happened and I will live with that for the rest of my life.

Despite my impatience, I realize that this’ll go the way it’s supposed to. The exact way it needs to go to make whatever other difference it chooses to make. Yes I’ll probably continue to bring it up now and then. I won’t just stop thinking about it as the days pass..
[and I keep thinking about how he said I liked “sweater weather” when he found out about my fondness for the cold. Then proceeded to tell us that they rent out a cabin every winter to hang out. When asked if it’s just a bunch of boys getting rowdy he said they all brought their “significant others” with this look on his face. And when asked about skiing he said they mostly sat around and drank while the kids went sledding. Hello perfect vacation!]

I won’t stop wanting him to show back up. But I’ll understand it either way. I’ll live with it, and rejoice in all the moments I was allowed to have, and go from there.

Life is a constant mystery. I’d be silly to think that I could ever plan it or make it work on my scheduled timeline. It always does whatever it wants.

And I’m ok with that. I really am, finally, ok with that. =)

rose.
9:51pm