PPD in Inside My Head

I’ll be 16 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I think I’m starting to feel the baby move. According to the lab and test results everything is progressing normally. Although I am incredibly excited and feel so blessed, I am terrified. Postpartum depression feels like a distant dream. I rarely even think about it any more until I read an article this morning. A woman named Allison Goldstein killed herself shortly after dropping her 4 month old daughter at daycare.

After reading the article I felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over me. All of the helplessness, apathy for the baby, and feelings of grief and resentment all of a sudden came rushing back with astounding clarity. Clearly my case wasn’t as severe as Mrs. Goldstein’s, but I am terrified of feeling like I did before, or worse.

I was lucky. I had a c-section and my OBGYN had me see him one week postpartum for a follow up visit. He asked me about depression and I started to cry. It kind of tipped him off. He put me on Zoloft and within a few weeks I felt better. Not completely like myself, and not head over heels in love with my child, but well enough to cope. I don’t think I would have sought out help on my own if he didn’t ask me.

Michael and I were discussing my maternity leave this time around. I went back at 12 weeks with Sam, and it was way too early. I was just getting over PPD and leaving my baby, whom I was starting to get really attached to, for 40 hours a week didn’t help my recovery. I live in NJ which is one of three states in the USA that offers partially paid maternity leave for about 18 weeks. I’m taking it and we will deal with the pay cut. ‘Make do or do without’ is my new mantra. The goal is to try and get a per diem job and just not go back full time. Having Sam in daycare that many hours is too much on the both of us.

I’m hoping that PPD doesn’t reoccur with this baby, and if it does I’ll be better prepared for it than last time. I don’t want to be a headline on a newspaper.