ease the thoughts in 2016

8.25.16 - 5:06pm

I don’t know about this whole thing. I know that I always say that I am not going to get wrapped up in it, but everyone already knows that I can’t help myself. What else am I supposed to do? There’s not enough going on in this small town for me to stay occupied. =\

It’s possible that this is the world’s way of teaching me a lesson, like all of a sudden someone that I was intrigued by is potentially interested in me and now I have to sit around and wait. I have no control in this. I’m just waiting around to see what happens and I feel like he’s making me miss him and/or want him more. You all know that people want what they can’t have. heh.

I guess I hate waiting too. I’m too impatient to play the waiting game. When he doesn’t show up on work days it means that I have to wait another week to hope he’ll show up. It could seriously be another three months. Or he could be waiting for an excuse to come back, like a new letter, and that could take who knows how long. I can’t sit around wondering. It’s going to drive me crazy!

That was all written two days ago and I think I’ve mostly eased out of the crazy since then. ;]

I also sent Y an e-mail [we’ve been exchanging since the day TF came by and I told her I needed to reinstate the e-mails to gush - not sure why I felt that need when I never felt it w/ck or anyone else]. I like documenting these kinds of things, but I hope I don’t regret it.

Not sure why I said that? I don’t expect to regret much of anything. I don’t take that many risks. I’m just not sure if we’re compatible in that way. A huge part of this is that I’m completely flattered by his words. And yes, I feel better when I know I’m going to see him and after spending time in the same room. But that doesn’t have to mean some sort of long term thing.

I’m not sure I know how to do short term though. Like if he does decide to show up again, what do I say to convey that I’d rather start this as friends? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or make it weird. It would be nice to “date” someone but that’s probably not the best idea. It just seems like so much less pressure to do the friend thing.

Did I mention on here, or maybe in an e-mail, that I was starting to wonder whether or not I scared him off? I was thinking about it and if he really is that “shy” it must have taken a lot of courage to walk up to me that day. It’s hard to even imagine doing something like that myself. So what if my vague answers and lack of any concrete plans/info made him feel rejected? I mean, I didn’t necessarily get that feeling when he walked out the door and still said my name in that sing-song extended syllable kind of way. [Why does he do that anyway? No one says my name that way!]

Mom said something about this in the car yesterday. How I should have just gone with it because maybe he wasn’t going to ask me again. My response? “whoa, I’m not going to make this easy! Plus if he’s not willing to come back again then he wasn’t that serious. I don’t want someone who isn’t serious!” Or basically that.

She’s super curious to know about his background. Mostly his history with the ex’s. And I get why she’s doing it. She’s my mother and it’s probably some kind of protection thing. But she has ideas of asking his ex-in-laws/landlords [also clients of ours] about it and I don’t know. I love the idea of being around to hear that conversation. I’m just not sure she should be involved in this. Wait…I know she shouldn’t be involved in this! That’s way too much meddling! She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She thinks she’s just learning about one of our clients, but that’s not what this is. If it’s something I should know then I think I need to learn it on my own. I don’t see why he wouldn’t tell me if he told us everything else.

These were all the thoughts floating through my head the last couple of days but I’m feeling better about it now. It’s not a thing and I don’t need to make it into one. I honestly only want to entertain the idea of someone who would actually show back up for me. Isn’t that what this should be about?
I was able to move on pretty quickly after the last time he came around. I guess this was different because he actually tried to make that next step. But I don’t know. It didn’t actually go anywhere. I need to move on in that same manner. He’ll show when he shows. I’ll have some weird psychic energy about it and he’ll call or we’ll get a letter. I don’t know. It’ll happen the way it’s supposed to.

I’m tired of worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about. I realize that I am constantly reminding myself of this fact but it takes time to become routine, right? I’ll keep practicing.

rose.
11:26pm