Waiting For Granny ...... in Scottish Meanderings

That babysitting stint lasted 6 hours and just about killed me! However it wasn't deliberate - Nikki is trying to set up play sessions in the little village she stays in and the mums involved had all got together to clean out the cupboards in the local hall (which hadn't been done for years) and it just took much longer than they thought it would.

But I was expecting the next day to be a complete non-starter and I ended up being fine the whole day although tired by teatime. And then on another day I took Lilah out in the buggy for an hour making sure I just made it a leisurely stroll then played with both of them for another couple of hours and the next day I was completely floored and had to spend most of it in bed!

This fluctuating aspect of the illness makes it very frustrating and also difficult when trying to convince people you're really not well. However my doctor's visit on the 15th was a success - she said she'd refer me to an ME specialist at our local infirmary although it'll take a couple of months for it to come through. I'm hoping that that will at least result in a firm diagnosis or eliminate it altogether and if it's the former I can then apply for Personal Independent Payment which is what replaced the old Disability Living Allowance. If I do I'm prepared for a fight on my hands - it seems to be inevitable from what I can gather - but certainly I would get nowhere without a diagnosis so that's the first step.

My Jobseekers Allowance benefit (JSA) is due to run out this week so I now have to apply for income-based Jobseekers Allowance. You are allowed 6 months of contributions-based JSA which means it doesn't matter how much income you have then it progresses to income-based JSA which allows you to have £6,000 of savings. I had to fill in a humungous form at the JobCentre yesterday but couldn't hand it in because I didn't have my mortgage account number and I can't phone it in because nobody is allowed to add to my form except me. So I'll have to go back into town with it sometime this week which is a bit of a pain.

BUT - we have just sold Mam's flat! Luckily the offer went in the day after I completed the form so I'm keeping quiet about it until the money's in the bank because these things can still go skewiff and the actual money can take forever to be divvied up. But that should help tremendously with funds to live off for the next 8 years until I can claim my state pension. I have a deferred work pension which should kick in at age 60 according to my pension forecast - I really want to get this clarified but am getting confusing information from the Pension Provider so far. However if it's correct that will give me another £3,000 a year to live on and with the flat money, I should be able to scrape by on that. Scrape being the operative word. In the meantime Mike, my brother, is lending me the money for the course fees until all the funds are paid into my account and then I can pay him back.

Strangely I feel no relief at this. Perhaps it's because the money isn't in the bank yet. Or perhaps it's because I know this money should have been 'extra' and not to be used as income. I think I'm still somewhat bitter about that :¬/

I'm a bit more 'on track' as to what I'm doing this year though - I've definitely decided to do the Diploma course now and I won't be looking at jobs certainly until the course is well underway and I can gauge my energy levels and see how I'm coping with it. E-mails are now starting to come in from the University about e-registration, the induction week, reading lists, the first semester programme etc. etc. which is setting up a whole load of worry in my head that I'll manage it all. However I'm following the very wise advice of Anne Lamott from her book Bird By Bird and just taking it step by step - that's all I can really do right now.

The induction week will be the first hurdle because it consists of four straight days of attendance from the 7th - 10th September which will be a real stretch for me but on top of that, Nikki had booked me to babysit for her on the Saturday night and now she wants it to be an overnighter - the group of girls she's going out with are going into town and rather than get taxis home in the early hours, they want to pay for a hotel room. This can actually work out cheaper if there are enough of them. The Travel Inn in the centre of town is pretty cheap and if they get a family room you can get enough sleeping room for six folk if you don't mind all squeezing in together.

That's all well and good but I'm expecting to be pretty shattered that night after my 4-day stint at University and doubt very much if I'd have the energy to put both girls to bed in my house, never mind cope with them both in the morning. So it makes sense to stay out at Nikki's which also means she can put Lilah to bed before she goes out. But I'm worried I won't sleep properly in her bed and then have to deal with the two of them after hardly any sleep. It does mean I won't have the stairs to worry about in the morning though (I'm worried I won't manage to carry Lilah down the stairs in my house) and I suppose I can just wait until she gets home before getting dressed etc. - the cats are just going to have to wait for their breakfast!

It's not really that which bothers me though. It's the fact that she's not taking all that into consideration herself even after I told her it was the same week as my first week at University - and also her stubbornness not to try and get anyone else to babysit so the onus is always on me to do it. She won't even attempt to leave either of the girls with Jane (Joel's mum) for any length of time and judging by the texts I've received about the holiday so far (they're all over in Spain at Jane's villa for 10 days), will be even less likely to do so now!

Jane wanted Lily to sleep in with her the first night and when Nikki asked her to shift the bed over so that it was up against the wall and put a couple of pillows down at the other side just in case she got up during the night (it's a hard tile floor), Jane rolled her eyes and said "It'll be fine Nikki!". That was bad enough but added to that was the fact that Jane likes a drink so was going to bed half cut every night which really upset Nikki (and me for that matter). She spoke to Joel about it and he was going to try and persuade Jane to let Lily sleep in with him but he doesn't get on very well with Jane so I've no idea whether that panned out or not. And then on Friday night around 10 p.m., Lily said to Nikki she wanted to go to bed and Jane turned round and said "Oh no you're not going to bed yet young lady!" WTF??

I had been fighting this woman's corner previously trying to persuade Nikki to let her spend time with the girls - or at least Lily - on her own - because I felt sorry for her being denied that special time together but I'm not doing that any more after hearing this!

I'm due to pick the 3 of them up at the airport on Saturday night and am expecting one Major Rant on the drive home ......!!

It's been nice having a few days peace though I must admit - we had a family meal on Sunday for my brother Mike, up from London with his wife Jennie for a few days, and it was lovely to drive up in the car myself listening to Radio Scotland instead of singing The Wheels On The Bus for the 20th time or having to hear the latest rant about Joel and it was also nice not to have to rush home straight afterwards to let little people get straight to bed. We'd met in a garden centre and after I'd said goodbye to everyone when they headed off, I went back into the shop and had a lovely miander round it until it closed. I don't really get a chance to do things like that when we're away anywhere any more.

Having said that I am missing them bigtime

{EDIT}

Things have got worse :( More texts last night to say Jane had been tipsy at teatime and got steadily more drunk as the evening wore on to the point where she was slurring her words. She let Lily have half a cappucino Viennetta (ice cream) right in front of Nikki and saying in a drunk whisper "Don't tell Mummy" 10 minutes before Lily was due to go to bed, then went off to bed herself and snored the place down. I feel so mad with Joel right now for letting her away with this but of course everyone's pussyfooting around her because she's the one with the villa.

Nikki and I are supersensitive around alcohol and kids because of the memories it invokes of having to live with Boyd (for new readers, Boyd was my alcoholic ex whom I was married to for 24 years) and it really upsets me to think of Lily being subjected to that. Jane even said she wished her boyfriend had come with her on the holiday and would invite him next year so's Lily could sleep in the bed with them! This guy is the creepiest guy you ever saw and that's just wrong on so many levels.