your loss in Sometimes I feel dead inside

you picked a poor time to decide to get crazy on me. i was going through some tough stuff. which you knew about mostly some of it i didn't even know about until months later. you say how rough whatever happened to you was and how you don't want to talk about it. i'm losing every person who knows everything about me in my life and i just wanted to know i was talking to a real person that i wasn't pouring my heart out to someone who's laughing at my often times strange life. that fact that you wouldn't meet me half way hurt i didn't feel that it was fair that my life had been pretty much laid bare i asked for just a little bit more, just something to ease my worry. i'm not going to lie i did want something a little personal but i wanted it for me i wanted it because i wanted to think that if things happened to align it would not be a surprise or at least not a horrible let down. i just wanted reassurance when things in my life were falling apart. i didn't want to feel alone going through this tough time. i didn't want to realize i was in fact alone i had hoped for someone to be my safety net to talk things out to maybe it was a bit much to put on you or to expect from you. yeah i know you've been having a rough time i still don't get why you are having dramatics over a pipe dream you call a relationship but is really nothing more than a way to stave off the boredom you should really just stop and move on to something real instead of clinging to an idea that doesn't exist i will say i'm disappointed you chose to stop talking that you didn't even bother to say goodbye you just stopped. sure i said i'd probably do it if you had gotten weird on me i was planning on it. you knew/know too much about me i was concerned about you, i did invest quite a bit of time into you as well. it would only make sense that i'd be a little hesitant so its been a couple months they've been incredibly difficult but i pushed through them, i was forced to realize that we in fact all do die alone that most of us live alone even with the parade of women that come in and out of my life at almost random i've learned not to let anyone in keep everything on the surface because you can never tell when someone will freakout on you and refuse to hear your side of things then watch them flounder with someone doing the same thing to them part of me has wanted to scream at you part of me never wanted to acknowledge your existence ever again part of me wanted to apologize part of me wanted to find you and act out some of those fun scenarios that have been suggested between the 2 of us part of me wanted to break down just give up part of me wouldn't let me, didn't want to have someone who might just be an idea ruin things and yet here i am writing this email. i won't send it to you it was written as a response to the last email you sent me then decided not to send it. you don't need me in your life which is fine you have your own problems i don't really care if you ever read it, mostly because i didn't really write this to you i wrote it for me i wrote it to be the closest thing to actual closure i will ever get this is how closure will work here. i'm not asking for it this is not goodbye that would require me to actually have a back and forth dialog with you that's not going to happen you've ket me know where you stand and where i stand thank you for helping me through things you will never know you helped me with it really means a lot to me and you will never know i'm not going to force it or reach out because you know that's not how i do things.