the world on holiday in Sometimes I feel dead inside

i just returned to the city i live in. i went and saw my family and the place where i was born and grew up. it was nice to escape my now normal life. i’ve returned to find that everything has the volume turned down. work doesn’t bother me. not much does, and i’m pretty happy. i’m being super polite with people. i still have the post trip hangover, i didn’t get much sleep and feel drained. i probably should’ve taken an extra day or so. not a great move on my part. its ok though. there were a few thoughts that fluttered through my head while i was away. my family is great, they are awesome people who can and do make anything fun. adults or children, it doesn’t matter everyone has fun. i then thought about the various women in my life and how very few of them would be a good addition to that. there was a couple of them that would work but i don’t really know if i’m really okay with the their entire person. i wondered if it was because i was possibly feeling lonely. maybe i just wanted to try something different, or maybe i was just being a horny bastard. it doesn’t really matter either way. i have an amazing family that i would like to share with the people close to me, but most of them have not earned it. i don’t know, i’ve gotten close a few times to thinking about who i could introduce to my family. i see the potential pitfalls each person would present. even with them on their best behavior i still question their ability to really keep some of those less than desirable traits from creeping out. i get tired and sometimes a bit grumpy on these trips and have gotten into arguments with my brother. nothing terrible, just some goofiness that happens from time to time. so to put someone else into that potential situation knowing that most would not handle it well, just isn’t right. especially when it isn’t something that i’d think is fair or even a representation of the trip. it does however surprise me the few that i think could go. seeing as i don’t have romantic connotations for those few aside from a passing fling it hardly warrants actual consideration. yet it was an easy list to put together. anyhow after stumbling down that rabbit hole i think the best way to go is, when people are nice to me and nice to others near me i react similarly. it seems my life does not contain that on a regular basis. this should cause reflection in regards to that. possibly in a reassessment of my inner circle. would it require change in me? would the change in attitude cause the others to shift as well? i’m not sure. maybe i will have to test it further.

Last updated August 01, 2016