Random Thoughts. in Life In The Now.

So the last couple have days I’ve been feeling like my head is going into a darker place again, even though things aren’t all bad at all. I’m being way more proactive with myself than I’ve ever been, losing weight, new career focuses but still I feel like a dark cloud has formed over everything, just overshadowing everything.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I dislike July, it’s the month of my birthday and 12 days later my mum passed and also my father passing, although my fathers doesn’t really tend to bother me so much it’s just all wrapped up in the reminder that my mum isn’t around.

Thoughts just keep giving me pause and I wonder where I am going with my life and I wonder if I am doing the right things? Although I’ve already taken steps to make my life better those plans won’t kick in for at least 12 months until I pass a qualification.

I’m just babbling aren’t I? Not getting to the point…

Earlier I was sat down just wondering about things as some music played in the background. I start a new job on Sunday, 12 hour shifts with 4 days on and 4 days off so it will be hard but also very rewarding but I’ve no passion for the job. I couldn’t care less, it’s just a pay cheque at the end of the month for me is all.

I’ve signed up to a course to obtain a diploma for HR because I’m so tired of working with general public and call centre life in general, being great at the job but getting nowhere and not being recognised, least of all appreciated.

So my current plan is to work this job for 12 months until I get my qualification and then get a new job within HR that gives me some scope to gain experience and better pay as I continue to learn, like I say all of these plans and things are falling into place.

I tried to go back to my old place within a new department but the interview there was horrific and the centre manager of this department wasn’t happy I had left previously and now wanted to come back, it was more of an interrogation / disciplinary meeting more than it was a job interview, that was disheartening but a few days later I managed to get the aforementioned job so things have a way of working themselves out and maybe it just wasn’t to be. I can honestly believe that, just a little bitter about how it all worked out.

I hate my mind sometimes, it just wants to break out and do everything all at once, it wants everything fixed so there aren’t anymore worries but here I am anxious about so much even though I’ve no real need to be when it comes down to it, things are in a positive place but part of me just doesn’t seem to think that is the case at all.

Like I said earlier, maybe it’s just because it’s July and I’ve ignored everything to do with it, even my own birthday for the most part but even now when I go to reach the real reason I’m feeling anxious things retreat further into my mind. I’d like to say I’m clearing them but that’s just not the case.

This is a bit of a crap entry for me being away for so long, sorry.

FYI since the last entry:

• New job didn’t work out. I lasted 3 days because there was no support.
• I stayed off and focused on diet and exercise (2.5 stone down or 35 pounds)
• Applied for a job at my old place, got screwed over.
• Enrolled in a HR course for a CIPD qualification.

That pretty much covers what I’ve been doing in my absence.