When I get paid I need to get my hair dyed black again, I haven’t done it since april and the top bits are turning brown again. On the outside I really don’t have a style but on the inside I have always loved the goth-emo style, the dark colors have always tugged on me and demanded I wear them. I went and seen the doctor again and told him about my sleep problems and super anxiety at night due to the sleep paralysis experiences, When you are in sleep paralysis you cannot move or do anything and the worst part is you hallucinate.
The first time I just woke up in the middle of the night and realized I couldn’t move, all I could do was move my eyes and I looked over and thats when I saw it, this Dark shape, darker then the blackest hole in the universe with sharp jagged teeth. the second time I didn’t bother opening my eyes because I knew what would be standing in front of me if I did but I could hear him, taunting me and laughing. Saying my name and dragging it out with the darkest, sinister voice and laugh and because of those experiences my insomnia just got worse and worse and finally when I told all this to the doctor he gave me something called “Hydroxyzine” or “Vistaril”. To be honest at the time I was hoping for Xanax because my friend gave me some of his one time and I love snorting them, the feeling I get. He mentioned that he didn’t want to give me anything addicting :/ , Frankly I don’t care if he did. I just want to get high and get lost in my head. each capsil is 25mg and it says take 2-4 at bedtime so I just said alright and took 4 the first night, took 15-20 minutes to kick in but it took all the fear away it’s like magic, I never had a medicine that worked as well as this.
Mostly now I just feel complete emptiness, numb, yet a lingering depression as usual. It makes the days just drag on, but each day gets me closer to 21 and all the drunken nights after, but for now just cutting, sweet and delicious blood and the feeling of a knife on my arm, hey anyone up for a game of tic tac toe? I’ll be X.
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