Saturday, July 23rd, 2016 at 11:00 PM
I started writing in a physical journal, I only make entries when I need to like right as or right after something important happened. Sometimes I will write my entries on here if I feel something needs to be said and I got two entries I need to put on here.
July 22, 2016 @7:47 PM
Haven’t written here in a while, had good days and bad days but I wanted to write and say that i’m having a lot of friction with my friend J, he is the same age as me and I knew him since Kindergarden, but he honestly acts like an old man, is controlling and an asshole at times, yet he can be a good friend at times too. But no matter what he does to me (it’s all psychological) I cannot abandon him. (I have a chronic fear of abandonment (part of my BPD) and he has abandoned me before in the past so I know what it feels like). Last night I just got so stressed out with each passing minute waiting for him to get off work and get on, because we play xbox together every night and he usually gets off work at 9 and gets on to play at 10, I really didn’t want to play with him. Honestly my heart goes through so much yet it still beats, I don’t know how it still works. It’s not just him causing friction, part of my disorder makes me ideolize and devaluize people based on how they treat me or how I precieve their words and because of my disorder I look for the hurt behind every breath, every word. I may love him (like a brother) one moment and hate him the next.
July 23rd at 9:40 PM
M, ( my other friend who is like a brother, he understands how I feel and what I go through) came over and we went swimming, had a really fun and good time with him and afterwords I showed him my peace spot behind the apartments where I go to relax and where I go when I am super depressed. J asked to via text if we wanted to go swimming tomorrow, honestly I just said I didn’t feel like it and he just said “ight then” but I know I am going to hear about it the next time we play xbox, I asked if he wanted to get on and play but got no response. And for as much as he acts like an old man when it comes to everything else, someone saying no to him or when he doesn’t get his way, when people don’t go along with what he wants he acts (pardon my french, I don’t want to cuss on my diaries but this one calls for it) like a spoiled little bitch and you’ll never hear the end of it. HE acts like he knows struggle and pain but honestly he doesn’t I talked about this before on here, but he doesn’t know pain like me and M know.I have been trying to figure out why he acts the way he does but I don’t know. As much as I want to just erase our history together, I won’t because I have known him since Kindergarden. It’s like an abusive relationship minus the intimate/romance stuff. Sometimes he causes so much pain and then at times acts like such a good friend/brother and what he does goes along so well with the bad parts of my mental illness like my fear of abandonment and my white-black thinking., and sometimes I think it’s almost like he knows how much he hurts me and how much control he has over me and it’s like he doesn’t care. I just cannot do anything about it nor figure it out.
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