Heart to heart in A new era

We talked. Like really talked. And I think something has actually clicked with him. I tried really hard to make him understand how close he was to losing me, without it sounding like a threat. That I felt like he was wasting my time, by saying things will be different but they never are, and how long did he expect me to wait while he decided if he could be bothered.

I said that I feel like every time we’ve talked about these issues in the past and he’s apologised and said things will change, I’ve said OK and it feels like I’ve given in to him in light of the fact that nothing has changed. He said he didn’t want me to give in, he wants me to keep giving him shit if he deserves it. I don’t want life to be unbearable for us, I don’t want us to be living together in animosity, but equally, I can’t just turn round this time and say I believe everything he says.

I’ve made it clear that this time, it’s a time for action rather than words. It doesn’t matter what he says, or what he believes to be true in his own mind, there is an issue between us and there is a way to fix it but it’s on his hands.

I was 100% honest with him and said I’d looked at flats and if I needed to move out it was an option for me, or moving back to mum and dad’s for a while was also an option. That I didn’t have to stay here just because I live here now. I don’t think he had considered the possibility that I might leave and that’s partly my own fault given how often I’ve bitched and moaned about his drinking but have never taken a stand against it.

It felt good to talk and have him properly listen and communicate. I know he’s one of those people who just doesn’t like being told what to do but if you plant a seed he generally comes to the right conclusion then thinks it’s his own idea. It’s just incredibly frustrating, it feels like getting blood out of a stone sometimes!

That was Friday night, and it was the first time in a week we’d gone to bed at the same time and on speaking terms. Things are by no means fixed, or perfect, but we have to start somewhere.

Ironically, on Saturday, we spent the day at a food and drink festival with my best friend and her husband. We got the train over early afternoon and spent the day drinking and stuffing our faces, listening to samba drummers and watching samba dancers. We had an impromptu play about with a beach ball in an indoor gin bar while it was raining outdoors, and spent the rest of the time sitting on fake grass laughing our heads off. We had a fab day, and as I explained to joey as we were walking back from the train station at midnight, I’m not saying never drink again, but isn’t it better to do it in good company, having a laugh, where it’s fun for both of us, rather than on the settee alone in a manner that makes me think he’s an alcoholic? Give him his dues, he conceded the point.

Sunday we watched the tennis, and the footy, had takeaway and a visit from my parents. Chilled and relaxed and more actual communication.

Last night, despite there being a few beers in the house, and wine, he didn’t mention booze once. Usually it’s a case of if it’s there it must be drank (drunk?), but he’s been sticking to green tea. I’m under no illusions as to be getting any kind of hopes up but maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of the turning of a corner?

I sent him a few texts today, a little bit of positive reinforcement. Not really mentioning drinking or not drinking, just how nice a time I’d had just being with him last night and not arguing, and how nice it was to get into bed together and snuggle and chat, and how much i enjoy him when he’s fully invested in US.

So a few positives after the bleakness that was last week. I do genuinely love him, and he knows that, I did also tell him that he makes it difficult to like him as a person when he’s been drinking and is an arse. I don’t see any point in sugar coating things between us, it’s gotten us absolutely nowhere.

So here’s to moving forward with honesty.

Xx