so long sweet summer in 2016

8:40pm CST

Well, clothes are packed and food is made. I’m mostly ready to head back home.

At least in the sense that I have all my stuff in my bags and all that. Mentally I am not all that ready. It’s hard to give up a life with no responsibilities. :-] Also I’m slightly worried about leaving my brother here alone. He still has an open wound and has trouble bending over, so it won’t be that easy to take care of the dog and himself. I did leave some food [leftover enchiladas, pulled pork that just came out of the slow cooker, pudding]. Also we made a huge costco run yesterday, like $200 worth, so that should hold him over for a while. He shouldn’t have to go shopping, although he will have to start cooking his own meals.

I feel a little guilty for leaving even though I have been here for like three weeks. I’ve done a lot of work and stuff to keep him afloat. I guess I’ll get over it soon enough.

It’s just the idea of having to go back and deal with work stuff. Mostly the JR stuff. I realized [finally let myself consciously realize] that he’s not my responsibility. Sure, it still feels like he went out and pissed on all of our hard work, but there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s his life. I have nothing to do with it other than make sure the paperwork I have is in order.

Sometimes you just have to stand back and let people make their own mistakes, right? Like letting your child run off and do something that you know is going to backfire in their face. He’s like my child right now and I have to let him do it. I’m not sure yet if I want to be around to pick up the pieces, but I guess that’s something I can decide later.

I’d really like to have a talk with him about all of this, but I suck at confrontation and I have no idea how to bring it up. Plus I feel like if I invite him over to the house for a drink and a chat he’d just end up bringing his gf and her kid. Uh…not exactly conducive to serious business talks. So I’ll probably leave it for now. Let go and move on. Do my work and see how it goes. I’d like to get back to a place where we’re good friends again, but I’m not sure we can do that and also separate the business relationship.

I also have to head back and run some payroll stuff. Not a big deal but it needs to be done.

Something else I’ve realized: I need to find something I’m passionate about. I am sure there will be more on this subject at a later time, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to put it into words at this moment. I just really need to find some thing I truly care about. Some thing I would be excited to learn and get up and do every day. I miss that in life. So there are tentative plans to look into more schooling and/or discovering a new hobby in a serious way.

Other news: I’ve been poking at this okc thing, right? And I kept coming across this one guy’s picture. I don’t know what it was that kept catching my eye. He just seemed familiar to me. I’m not sure if I recognize him because I’ve met him before [a client/friend of a friend/etc], or I’ve seen him around, or just because he’s got a face similar to someone else I know that I can’t pinpoint.

Anyway I’ve never even clicked on his profile. He was pretty low on the list.
Then today I decided to check my email, the account I may or may not have created specifically for that purpose, and I found a message. It said that someone on the site had sent me a note so I clicked and guess who it was from?
Yup. It was him. And it was a very polite message making contact, saying something about how the robots said we were compatible [haha] and that he wanted to continue to speak and asked about my favorite band. Now, whether or not that’s the exact same set of lines he uses with everyone, I don’t know. But they’re good nonetheless.

It makes me feel all psychic-like though! The fact that I was drawn to his picture and he just so happens to be the first person to send me a message [well except that one person the other day that had zero information on his profile!]. It was like a push from the universe, or something. Especially considering that I still do not have a picture on there and I didn’t expect many would contact without seeing something. At least I know that my witty comments are enough to draw one person in. ;)

The only problem is that I’m not so sure I want to respond. Like I do, of course, because it would be rude not to and I’m not that kind of person when it sounds legitimate. But I don’t know if I want to start anything. I don’t want to come off as self-centered or full of myself but most guys find it hard to walk away once they get to know me. I’ve never really been rejected before. The rejects have all come from my side. I’m not saying that this guy is going to madly fall in love with me and I’ll break his heart, but I don’t know. I am just not sure if starting some thing with someone is good for me right now. [I know, I know! But I never expected anyone to actually contact me!]

We’ll see how it goes. I was going to try to write back tonight, but it’s getting late. I tried a couple of times earlier but he was online and I didn’t want to get an immediate reply. I don’t want to get into a conversation right now. Plus, who the hell do I list as my favorite band?! =\

I should go get ready for bed. I have to be up at like 4am so I can’t stay up until my typical 2am these last few weeks. I’ll finish packing the last of the things in the morning after I get ready.

rose.
9:43pm