Saturday June 25th at: 8:40 PM
Going to therapy helped a little bit yesterday. She said I handled the situation very well. alot of the time I find myself feeling really stressed out and I don’t know why, it feels like that my heart is being used as a rope in a game of tug of war. I am pretty depressed and stressed right now despite how good of a day I have had. I finally got one of the best tanks in the game in the tank game, my friends came over to swim and afterwards they bought me food, we went out to eat. I had a really good time with them but now that I am by myself, the emotions I was masking just came out and thats how I feel now. these battle scars don’t look like they’re fading, don’t look like they’re every going away, aint never gonna change. My moods and emotions just change so fast, I am a bit unstable :( I need to talk more with the doctor that I hate, I see him next month.
Waiting for my friends to get off work now so we can play some xbox. my mother and I were lucky and got Medicaid do I can go to a normal doctor and get meds that otherwise would have been out of reach for me price wise. I can also go to the dentist and I cannot wait to go because I don’t want to end up one of those old people with fake teeth, I don’t want that to happen. I still lowkey think about death and dying and all I can hope for is some form of peace, if I was given a choice of being born again or going somewhere peaceful I would choose the peaceful place. My poor heart and soul are being battered and abused, they are cut up and bruised. Thinking back at the dream I had where both of my best friends, who I now call brothers. It felt so real, like they were actually there to me they were. Maybe when we sleep our spirits try to influence our dreams and theirs came to unite with mine for one dream. I love sleeping and I love dreaming, it’s my only escape I guess. I had a dream a long time ago that I died in and I was shot in the back, it must of paralyzed me because I couldn’t feel anything and I laid there on the sidewalk slowly dying, my eyes started to close and I tried to keep them open but decided to accept my fate and let my eyes slowly close and I accepted death and I have never felt so peaceful at any other point in my life. But it was only just a dream.
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