I'm easily falling in love in Adventure Log [01]

Never thought I’d be a victim to Erikson’s psychosocial theory for early adulthood. Intimacy vs Isolation. I’ve always prided myself for never needing anyone else to make me happy. But that’s kind of a lie since I used to be in love with someone for 4 years; after that, fell in love with another one for 6+ish years. But no relationships. Just me keeping it a painful secret.

Now I find myself being falling in love left and right. It’s kind of annoying.

First, I realized I had feelings for my online best friend last January 2016. She already confessed to me the previous year, but she knew I didn’t reciprocate. It was okay, we remained great friends.

But I kinda fell for her. I thought it was just probably because I was feeling lonely here in the US, so I fought off the feelings. It was petty. I tamed it, until I found the reason to ultimately stop myself. Found out she was being sweet with someone else aside from me. I’m very possessive, so it was good that I didn’t fall all the way. I still feel a tinge of jealousy, but I am trying to cut it off. Been miserable enough.

The person I was in love with for 6+ years? I find myself still yearning for him once in a while. Seriously brain? Stop the idiocy.

And then yesterday. Dota match.

I woke up at 5:30am just to play with my Southeast Asia buddies. That would be 8:30pm for them. Got Jace, Tyson, and Stan with me. Stan left after a match, said she had a stomach ache.

Tyson had bad internet connection, so we agreed on bot matches. Honestly, it’s a huge relief for me. Aside from my bad pings at the SEA server, I am severely crippled with fear of playing against people. Lost my confidence ever since I went back to playing exclusive bot matches. Before I left the Phils, Luther and I would play endless All Random normal matches and occasional low priority matches. I was honed, got used to it. It was all good and fun. I need to pull myself together.

While we played, we were on party chat. Had a blast. Joked around, coordinated moves; it was great. Shared the adrenaline rush of almost dying, of getting caught up in a chaotic team fight, of turning around an impossible game.

The most special of all the matches we had was when I was Phantom Assassin, and Tyson was Omniknight. I have always been distrusting of teammates, even if they are close to my heart. I have this mindset that I should never rely on anyone. But this was a bot match, so I thought I should experiment.

I told Tyson that I won’t be buying a BKB, and that I will be fully dependent on him during team fights. So if he slips up, it will be my death. That match had a lot of spells and stuns, so imagine my initial distress.

Whenever he tells me to jump in, I hesitate so much because of my trust issues. But I go along, it’s just a bot match. It doesn’t mean anything whether we win or lose.

And then, there it is. Perfect skill timings. When I think I am dying, there pops the Greaves. When I think I’m done for, there goes Repel. When I thought I was by myself, he was quick to come to my side.

After surviving a harsh team fight, I ended up thanking him in voice chat. “I love you.” “…I love you, too.”

It was our usual lingo, but I kind of meant it when I said it. The way he said it back; it made me feel something in my chest. I can’t do anything without my support.

I liked the feeling of depending on someone for once.

While writing this entry, I was also chatting with Stan. Ended up ranting about the same thing to her. I think it’s the soda that’s turning me emotional tonight. Now that it’s wearing off, I just realized how stupid that rant was, haha.