calling out again in 2016

12:31am

It’s late. I should be going to bed. I should not be writing entries about not going to bed. ha.

I’m still at my brother’s place. He’s back at the apartment. He was released on Saturday morning and he seems to be doing relatively fine. I’m doing pretty well at being the “maid/nurse” and fixing meals, taking the dog out, etc.

In general, I’m a pretty selfish person. I’ve reached this point in my life where I’m mostly worried about living each day to the fullest and I want to take care of my needs. So I think it’s pretty good that I can serve someone else. Although, just this morning I remarked on how I should probably not get married or have children because I’m not very good at taking care of other people. heh. I can learn though. I guess if it’s the right thing to do I can make sure to work my way through it. Sometimes I guess you can learn to sacrifice for others if you really want to.

I bought my plane ticket home today. I’ve been checking all weekend and the prices were insane. I was totally regretting the fact that I didn’t just buy it the other day when I was skimming casually. Like I went into panic mode, even mentioning to Mom that I didn’t know when I’d be able to make it back. And sure I’d love to stick around and help a while. It’s nice not to have responsibilities, but I need to get back home. There’s so much to do around there.

So I got off the phone with Mom and went to check on the tickets again, just in case. And I found a few tickets for around a hundred bucks. The cheapest I’ve seen in a while. Only the last one available, on the 29th, is a day after my brother’s follow-up appointment. I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s not supposed to drive for a while but he can manage. That’ll put me here for another two and half weeks and I think that’s just enough for neither one of us to get crazy.

You know what else I realized today? That’s it’s only been like a month since I talked to the ghost.
Yeah, I’m still on that whole thing. It’s insane because it feels like so much longer than that. But I was skimming work e-mails and it turns out that the last exchange was sometime around early May, which was only a little over a month from now. I can’t believe how short that time span feels, and yet, it feels like a lifetime.

I wanted for things to go differently. I understand though that they couldn’t. But there’s still some weird hope in me that he’ll suddenly show up one day. Or that there will be a reason to reconnect. I don’t know. It seems possible enough. Something to hold on to at least.

There isn’t really a reason to move on. I don’t have much else going for me right now. I mean I still haven’t seen a single cowboy in Texas!

I don’t know. Whatever. I’ve always got to have something to hold onto. I guess this is it for now. Until something else comes along…

rose.
12:46am