Infertility Can Suck It in Inside My Head

Almost everyone takes fertility as a given. Most people think ‘When I get older and have kids....’ . There’s no ‘if.’ It’s just assumed that you will be able to have children if you want them.

Even after achieving pregnancy, the mark of the infertility journey doesn’t leave you. Most people take one, maybe two, pregnancy tests, make an appointment with their OBGYN, and start making plans for the baby. I have taken countless tests just to make sure that the test line has gotten progressively darker. I have begged, lied, and bartered to have beta hcgs drawn so I can monitor the pattern. I have spent countless hours on Google to see what everyone else’s betas were at the same stage of pregnancy. It’s insane.

Worse than the insanity of pointless Internet searches is the fear that this baby will be taken away too. That the next beta level will go down. The doctor will look at me with pity and say ‘I’m sorry, but this doesn’t appear to be a viable pregnancy.’

I want to crawl out of my skin. Or run away and hide. Maybe both.

Artist

Last updated June 14, 2016