feeling release in 2016

8:58pm

Oh Texas, how I did not miss your humidity!
It’s not even that humid today, but I still can’t handle it. Like the sun starts to go down and the sweat starts to come out of my pores. Yuck!

And mosquitos. Ugh. This is still my least favorite place that my brother has ever lived. I always had such high hopes for Texas. You know, with the cowboy traditions…and the cowboys! But nooooo, Dallas doesn’t have any freaken cowboys to look at. Not a single one! Not even a single freaken hat and pair of boots. It’s horrible; trust me!

My brother’s still in the hospital. He was supposed to be discharged today, so Mom left back home, but he wasn’t doing well this morning so they kept him another night. Which means, I am here alone in his apartment. Well, me and the dog. Kind of weird. But I’ve sorta decided to get sloshed so it doesn’t matter all that much.

I wish I had someone to talk to. As an introvert/shy/quiet person it’s kind of hard to make friends and all that. But I definitely still wish that there was at least one person on the planet that I could reach out to when I’m feeling lonely. Like just someone to say hi to. To catch up with. To shoot the sh*t with. You know, stuff like that.

They say it’s hard making friends as adults. Too bad it sucked making friends as a kid too. My mom’s had friends for 40 years and I can’t even hold onto one of them. Or I can’t even make one in the first place. Sometimes it sucks being all independent and good in the quiet.

sigh

Maybe the ‘sloshed’ thing isn’t such a good idea? ha.

You know what’s kind of crazy? I haven’t been able to cry in a few days. What with people being around all the time, not being in my own space, and all that. And it feels so awkward and weird. Like I need to cry. I need the time and space to have a good cry. Maybe every night seems like a bit much but sometimes that’s what I need. Several days in a row, or something. It’s just so freeing.

Perhaps I’ve been relying on it more lately? Because I’ve never really missed it when I go out of town, but it keeps coming up. All these sentiments building up inside of me and I haven’t been able to release them. Is that crazy? That is oh so crazy! Wanting to cry. ugh. What is wrong with me?

Yet, at the same time, it seems totally normal. How amazing to be able to release and let go of all your feelings by having a good cry at the end of the day. It’s sorta my best way to deal with everything. I’m not good at expressing things. I don’t have anyone to talk to. This seems like the most logical and best way to deal.
I am not feeling so bad about this after all.

Did I mention I’ve been drinking? [honestly that’s just an excuse. it doesn’t affect me all that much]

Tomorrow I’ll head over to the hospital again. My brother said he’d call if he was getting discharged early, but otherwise I will head over there sometime after I wake up and have some coffee. It’ll be nice not to have to get up at a certain [ungodly] hour. I’m not sure if he’ll actually get released tomorrow but I’ll still go. Hang out for a while, at least. Then maybe come back and return in the evening if he’s not getting out. Everything’s up in the air but I think I can manage.

I’ve already figured out all the routes to the most important places. I drove in semi-traffic today and got stuck at the dreaded yellow flashing light [which was kind of my worst nightmare]. I survived though. I should be able to make it through the next couple of weeks.
Except yesterday the flights back home cost 100 dollars and today they’d already doubled. I’m really hoping that’s because it’s a Friday, but gosh I’m pretty much screwed if they don’t go back down by Tuesday.

We’ll see how it goes. Everything is always up in the air.

We’ve got one more surgery with my Uncle next Wednesday, so fingers crossed [and prayers said] for that one to go just as well.

I just need to survive this month and then I can figure the rest out from there.

Should probably start getting ready for bed. It’s so quiet here without being able to fall asleep to the TV. =(

rose.
9:40pm

Last updated June 14, 2016