Better.... in All Good Things

I feel so much better than I did this afternoon it's hard to believe. I don't know why I suddenly had such a complete and utter meltdown.

It culminated when I got to the theatre this evening to discover that I wasn't having Jon (missed him last night while having to endure the horrific, ghastly, unbearable new Tori Amos musical, 'The Light Princess' at the National - NEVER see it!) or even Simon, but it was Chris and Sam as Swan and Prince tonight, and I ended up sobbing in the ladies for about 15 minutes. As it turned out, of course, they were both fantastic and I love Sam so much (after hating him two weeks ago) and he has such incredible chemistry with Chris, a chemistry he doesn't have with Jon, and Chris doesn't have with Simon, which makes them electric to watch together.

I love seeing different performers play the same roles. It's incredible how much difference it makes to the show. With Jon as the Swan/Stranger and Simon as the Prince, the Swan is a fierce wild creature who overwhelms and mesmerises the sweet, sad Prince. With Chris as the Swan/Stranger and Sam as the Prince, the Swan is a beautiful playful creature who seduces and melts the hard, cold Prince. Which is why Jon (fierce) and Sam (hard) don't work together so well, nor Chris (playful) and Simon (sweet). Too similar.

Simon is the only person ever to have played both roles. I'd LOVE to see him as the Swan/Stranger, just because I love his dancing so much and I'd love to see what kind of Swan/Stranger he'd create. I can see him as a soulful, romantic Swan, but I have trouble imagining him as the dark, dominant Stranger in Act 3. The Stranger role could have been invented for Jon, though. He plays no role in creation better than he plays the Stranger - although maybe Heathcliff comes very close.

I'm so glad I've got to know the others during this run as well as seeing Jon again. They're such great guys, and phenomenal dancers and actors. Simon's dancing is so beautiful it makes me cry, Sam is an incredible actor who moves me more each time and Chris is ... not the dancer Jon and Simon are, nor the actor Sam is, but he's got great energy and a glorious smile and such an intense tenderness as the Swan trying to protect the Prince at the end that I just love watching him and I'm glad he's only 25 and has so many wonderful years ahead of him.

Sam only has two weeks left in the show, then he's being replaced by the boy who was the first Billy Elliot in the West End show. I'll be gone before that happens. I don't think I could bear to watch Sam's last show. I don't know how I'm going to bear my own last show next Tuesday night - although I've already booked for Birmingham the week after I return from Africa, one month from now. Already I can't wait.

I know this probably seems completely obsessive, and it is - but right now I need this more than I need anything else. I've made wonderful new friends, and it's been so good to be reminded of a life outside of international court reporting. It's going to be very hard to leave next week. I don't want to go.

A week from now I'll be going to bed in my father's birth town in Zimbabwe. In midsummer. It's so hard to imagine from icy, stormy London.