checking in from far away in Songs

I do this thing where I imagine being far far away from myself looking at myself and figuring if I’m charming or sweet or if my life is full and beautiful. I think this distancing is ok.
For a long time I would cross a distance far from myself to look at my multiple futures that lay in wait based on decisions I had at present, and make those decisions based on my speculation. It took me so long to even recognize that I did that and a few weeks of introspection about it before I said it out loud for the first time, to John Henry, and he said it didn’t seem so great, that the best way to have potential is to have no expectations. To clarify, we had a brief laugh because my future envisions were always wrought with low and sad expectations, never that great. The laugh about it was how when people are normally being told to not have such high expectations here I was sabotaging myself in the opposite way.
This isn’t to say I’m not looking forward to the future. In contrast to my future envisioning, my fantasies about the future are so hot and sexy and beautiful and 100% idyllic.

Anyway, all this to set up the idea that my to-do list (both my old one and my revised one) has “Email Laurent” in some margin in cursive.

So sweet and full, a probable farewell letter to my European boyfriend. He’s alright, like him quite a lot, but mostly liked that he liked me a lot and that he was an artist and from Europe and would send me the absolute sweetest emails. Maybe now without the pressure of reciprocity on my behalf we could ease into a nice friendship, but we’ll see, we’ll see. We’ll see what my European boyfriend feels about us after my e-mail telling him that in light of his plans to travel and visit me in the U.S., it is a sort of moral obligation on my side to let him know I have a boyfriend whom I’m very much involved with and we make each other happy.

Poor John Henry was so hung over this morning. He got to my room last night probably drunk but I was too asleep to care, until he stole my blanket around 4 am and I got all fussy about it and we talked for a while about his night. Him and his best friend/roommate may be in an irreversible fight. He’s sad.

I’m writing this from work again and paranoid about it again.

I’m sleepy, also.