Monday, May 23rd, 2016 @ 5:00PM
Well, All of may has turned out to be a very bad month for me, severe depression almost everyday and the last few days it got a bit smaller and now I just feel really stressed out and mentally exhausted. I took 4 sleeping pills last night hoping it would just keep me asleep longer then normal but it didn’t. I woke up and took a long bath while cleaning the bathtub at the same time and it felt amazing. Still going to the gym but not today i can do on my best days 2 miles on the treadmill and 60 movements with 15 pound dumbbells and on one machine I do 40 of 30 pounds and 30 of 50 pounds and I started a new machine that did 30 of 30 pounds. After all that my arms are very very sore but it’s worth it. I’m also really bored, im at the point where nothing is fun so I find myself aimlessly surfing the internet and youtube. I am mostly watching history videos because my favorite subject in school was history. My friends are being dickbags as usual which only adds to my suffering. This is an eternal battle I must deal with in life and honestly the only way I can deal with these emotions and the pain is to ride it out, I can’t fight it. I did get my pool key today but mother has to go down there and sign some things.
Just feeling worse and worse, I’m not writing this all at once I write whatever is in my head that I feel I need to say and leave it alone for a while until I muster up the strength to come back and write some more. It’s getting really hot here as it usually does in summer and the pools should open in 5 more days I cannot wait. Today though? It’s 4:35 pm and I have been up for only 2 hours yet it feels like so much longer. At this point all I want, if I was given one wish is that I would just go to sleep for a while, a month, hell a year I don’t care I just want a long period of undisturbed sleep because in my dream world I have everything I always wanted, great companions with whom I develop special bonds with, good friends who don’t hurt me, adventures, peace, and happiness. I see my suffering in two ways, why me? why is everything wrong with me what did I do? and Well at least I feel like this and not someone else/I would rather have this pain then force someone else to bear the pain. Discovered some of the food we got from “food drop” salvation army is expired :( including the giant can of pineapple that I was looking forward to eating. we have no ice cream which I desire greatly at night time and no soda pop for which I desire now. One of my friends really hurt me again but we all act like nothing happened, whenever he joins the xbox party I just start to feel like shit over again. I hate my life, there is nothing I can do I just have to sit here and bear all this pain by myself.
I have tried explaining to people the reason I don’t outwardly show how bad I hurt, my emotions, feelings everything is because going through school I have been so used to putting on this mask as the funny smart kid and I had to wear that mask every day and night for years and years, the only time I could have taken it off was when I was alone far away from any friends or anybody else and at that point I would break down, towards the end of high school I just starting building up so much anger because of all the pain and not being able to express it and after I graduated the only time I really needed my mask was when I was working but over time it go harder and harder to keep it on and it got harder and harder for me to cope with the pain and anger that I broke down several times, one time my boss caught me on auto pilot, my body was doing the work and everything but mentally I was not there, not smiling or frowning, I had no life in my eyes. It became too much to bear and I had to quit. I was bullied every year almost every day of my life and it didn’t stop with school, I was bullied at work too and someone started stealing from the cash register and since I was the only cashier I was getting blamed for it but I swear to god almighty that I never stole from the cash register. I ended up going to my regular doctor because of a severe breakdown and he told me to go inpatient but no fucking way am I ever going to let that happen, he put me on zoloft and other medicine and then 2 months later I started going to mid-plains an outpatient mental health facility. I got put into therapy and seen this asshole psychiatrist who doesn’t understand that mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain and that only medicine can add or decrease the chemicals I need. That is enough rambling today.
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