so kate stuff. not news just stuff. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

right so as put. kate stuff.

well lately. We’ve been talking about me. On um Fri. at lunch she brought up the fact that she never understood why I never did certain things. like well brush my teeth. [well i do. but that’s not really the point]. and she’s like ‘how can we convince you to do this’. well ya can’t really. [well no not if i won’t let people]. and the thing is i generally won’t. it’s like w/ an addict: people can try all they damn well want to help the addict. but it won’t do anything untill it comes from the addict themself. so well for me anyway frankly people are better off not trying. no w/ certain things i really wish they’d stop. and it’s funny cause i know this is a example my sister would relate to but that would only invite more questions and conversatio so.
That’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out at stephanie’s. anita’s never told me to do anything like that and that’s one of the reasons for the most part things are going so well here.is bc she’s not telling me to do stuff. I told my sister something like the best way to drive me away as it were is to keep pushing me. to do something. and it’s really true. And it’s funny bc i’m actually pushing her away by not letting her in. by not having a real relationship. i don’t want her help and she’s assuming i do. no and this is what i was getting at in one of my recent earlier entries. yes but she’s assuming i want help. well hers anyway. sure we can talk about the reason/s I don’t do stuff and that’s fine but I don’t want her telling me why i should or anything. if I want help i can fukin ask. believe it or not i am actually capable of doing that. sure i wouldn’t ask her [well no not w/ the way she is] but i’d find things out in some way. i’m not.incompetent. and it’s funny i’m saying this cause I’m pretty sure she knows I’m big on people being self sufficient and self relient and all that. and yet. She has this way of indirectly taking over w/o actually doing anything. I’m not a plant I don’t need to be taken care of. [in that way]. this isn’t the 1950’s. I’m not some 80 yr. woman who needs to be looked after. and I think she thinks i am.and frankly that’s a bit insulting. I think she thinks she’s responsible for me in some way. and if anything it should be the opposite cause she’s younger, than I am. She’s my younger sister but she’s not.my little sister that.........i don’t like how that sounds. and it seems like she thinks she isn’t.
Look. I have my mentor to help me. I have the lady. if i want it. I have my psych. dr. and i don’t know if my sister realises it but w/ this kindof stuff. I don’t want her to bring it up. ever. if she thinks about it that’s ok I just don’t want her bringing it up. The reason I don’t worry about her is cause I choose not to. if she’s that upset about something she knows she can call me. but other than that I pretty much leave things alone. My mentor understands enough to back the hell off. also she hasn’t known me my whole life and in a way I like that. My mentor doesn’t treat me like I’m younger than she is. [actually i think i’m older than she is. no but i treat her like an equal is my point]. Things have always been that way between my sister i. it’s just. in the last like 3 yrs. it wasn’t ever brought up bc we never talked about it. and ya know what I was ok w/ it it was working for me. and it wasn’t for her [probably] but, ya know. i’m not all that focused on that.
for her it might be like ‘well i’m right here you can ask me’. yes that’s the problem though is it feels like she is actually right.there.
I know ya ca’t choose your bio family but if ya could........well w/ certain things I just might. Things were fine when she left well enough alone. like i’m not 13 anymore. i’m not 17 anymore. [well clearly. no but that’s actually exactly my point is that i’m not]. if I get in over my head.well i’ll choose who I talk to about that.and right now it won’t be her. honestly. ya keep pushing me or if i feel like you are.well this is how things end up so. and ya know what I might not have always made the best decisions like buying cake instead of fruit at the store for instance. but they were my decisions to make not anyone else’s least of all not hers. [well and they sure as hell aren’t now and i think they haven’t been for a long time]. People might not like them and that’s ok. ya know i get that. I don’t always like what other people do but I’ll respect their right to do it. and i never want to be the person who makes decisions for people ever.cause i know how that feels. and i’m usually not that person. [maybe it’s a good thing i don’t want kids. i have nothing against anyone who does]. She recently once told me something like ‘i don’t like telling people what to do’. well..........yeah but i don’t think i believe that though.
I know there’s nothing wrong w/ setting boundaries. and in fact it’s probably good. no that’s not the issue. The issue is. I’m afraid of confrontation I’m an avoider and.I don’t do real relationships. sure a lot of people might be like ‘well it’s sad that you your dad are’t close’. well and that’s ok to have that opinion. but here’s the thing. on the other side of that is. We also don’t argue or fight. so. arguing/fighting is really tiresome.and draining. esp. w/ someone you care about a lot. er you care a lot about rather.i mean. I learned that from being w/ evan. i do and i don’t like fighting w/ him. sure when I argued w/ stephanie [actually it was weird cause she’d never argue w/ me like a normal person so i guess again that’s not the best example/ but anyway my point is]. I didn’t care that much. it didn’t idinno, like er, ‘break me’ the way it does w/ evan. In fact I wanted, stephanie to be unhappy so that i would relate to her so she’d be normal. and it’d feel like i was w/ an actual human person. um but anyway.
i know, that I have this habit of putting evan on a pedastol as it were. and i get that he’s not perfect. [no in fact he screws up a lot]. But there are a lot of things that other people do that I don’t like that he doesn’t do and.that’s what i like about it. No he treats me like a fully functional fully self suficient self relient human being. like we’re equals. I don’t know about you but I personally don’t want to be insulted and patronised by anyone least of all not my own sister. and i think this is another way in which we’re 2 different people. sure on the surface she’s nice and really patient w/ me. But she’s also.always been this person. The one who, well, takes over.and in that way she’s like my mom. and it’s funny cause in certain situations i’m that way too. i’m like my mom in that way too. but not usually. The only person I’ve been like that w/ evan [yes bc we have a real relationship. again he’s the only one i have a real relationship w/. the only one who right now sees and knows who i really am] and 1 that was awhile ago and b: i’m not um proud of it. no most people don’t see who i really am cause i don’t let them. no i know. i’m not a fukin plant don’t fukin objectify me and also don’t take away the opportunity from me......er the opportunity to ask for help. acknowledge that i’m, you kow.here.in the room.and that i’m a person. no it’s the same way w/ the dentist people too.
and I also know.that if i don’t bring this up w/ my sister [which honestly i probably won’t] it’ll keep bothering me. no see I’m waiting for her to change things.by, not bringing stuff like this up again. and ya know. I was going on for awhile there about how i don’t like it when.........she takes over. yes and if she didn’t bring it up again then she wouldn’t/won’t be taking over. that’s the whole point. no i don’t want to do the work that’s on her. [no it’s not it’s on both of us ad i realise that.i’m not stupid. no and neither is she as harsh as that might sound]. no I’ll just say the least amount possible. so i’m doing the work by...........actually not doing anything. hey making the decision to not make one is still weirdly enough ........making a decision.
so. yeah that’s getting to me. i don’t really have any more points to this other than circle talking so.