I end to have these dreams a lot especially when I feel really lonely, I meet a person in my dreams and we go on adventures and have fun and while I really love the dream and just want to spend eternity in them when I wake up I end up feeling even more alone.
This is kind of like an anime style dream because my companion was a younger version of an anime character on one of my favorite anime’s, in this dream I move to the United States and it is my first day in school and my first class is History and I sit down next to this kid who is at least 3 years younger then me and I was in my dream 17 at the time. We introduce ourselves he says his name is Sam and I ask if we could share the history book because I don’t have one and he says it’s ok. We end up hanging out after that and talk about our lives and it turns out he is from the same country as I was and we both just moved here. My sister ends up taking a trip back to our mother country and I ask Sam if he wants to go along and we go back for vacation and we end up on this farm and there is a tractor the owner lets us drive around the dirt paths on and I told Sam he could go ahead and drive if I could borrow his history book and study so I we are on the tractor talking and I am studying as well.
And that is pretty much the end of the dream I wish I could remember more but I have this issue where I wake up and fall back asleep several times putting me into different dreams and I find it harder to remember the first dream. Unfortunately with my companions I never end up in another dream with them so I have to say goodbye to Sam. I will miss you kid, you were an awesome companion. I believe I have these dreams because it represents what I seek: the perfect best friend that you go on adventures with and hang out and of course one that doesn’t end up hurting me psychologically or emotionally.
You see, every one of my current friends (almost everyone) has hurt me in the past on multiple occasions but because I had no one else to turn to and my chronic fear of abandonment I have always kept going back to them. All my life I have been bullied, all through school and even when I was working I was bullied. Psychological trauma and abuse is all I have ever known. I do have one friend that I am really cool with now but we had a rocky relationship growing up, he bullied me too and although we are cool now and like best friends I cannot let go of what he did and therefore I don’t have that perfect friend that I see in my dreams. My heart hurts so bad, trying to explain this and find the words necessary has really brought me to the point of almost crying which honestly never really happens and my hands are shaking. It’s all I ever known, again I just hope that all this pain in this life means I will have a peaceful afterlife but when I say it like that I feel bad and I feel I just don’t deserve it and I feel that I am using my life’s trauma as an excuse for demanding a peaceful afterlife. My soul is so broken, battered, and abused. Honestly when I woke up I felt a little sad because I was alone but now… It doesn’t matter I don’t deserve happiness, maybe I was abused and bullied for a reason every step of the way in this rotten life.
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