Walp in Procrastination Journal

Okay

Test prep apparently means hey, why not let your anxiety and depression go into turbo mode?

Well, turbo for anxiety maybe, depression just kinda sits there, doesn’t it?

Whatever.

I feel like the rotations have not prepped me well for step 2. I did well on peds, family, and OBGYN. But the rest of my scores were abysmal (passing, but abysmal.)

So basically after assessment week was over April 22… I went to a comedy show then enjoyed myself for a week.

You know, I did nothing, just to make sure that I would freak out about it as the test date drew near, as if one week would make the difference between me failing and getting a great score.

Last year this time I was just starting my first rotation… Annnnd it sucked, but at least Cindy was there, and she made templates and was generally a ray of sunshine. How does she do it? Her Chinese name means “Happy girl,” maybe that’s why.

Sasha’s name means “defender of men” and now look, she’s making sure planes don’t crash into each other.

Meanwhile my name means something like “sheltered farm town” what kind of gift could I bring to the world?

Basically my life has been like this
1. waking up at an obscenely late hour in the afternoon
2. Berate myself for doing so
3. Proceed to waste at least one hour one the Internet
4. Do some study videos (watch them and meticulously write what they say)
5. More wasting time
6. Do something and then immediately after regret it and worry about it and wonder if it will have disastrous consequences, for example, use a home kit to do a freeze treatments on my dog warts because I do want her to lick salicylic acid. Successfully complete treatment although it might’ve been kinda weak. Worry that she will lick off liquid/gaseous nitrogen; worry that cold nitrogen will seep into her skin and aggravate liver disease.
7. Does that make sense? No. okay I probably should’ve left it up to the doctor to treat or not try to treat at all, but this is a common wart treatment and is pretty benign. I know this. I saw a family medicine resident freeze off someone’s wart with spray liquid Nitrogen and they were very unprecedented and the attending told them about it later. These were swabs. It doesn’t even hurt, just kinda mildly stings (she hardly noticed, and did it on myself) Also liquid nitrogen evaporates into gas nitrogen very quickly and most of the air is nitrogen so she has nitrogen on her tongue all the time.
8. Rationalize but still worry
9. Become unable to identify topic of worry
10. Eventually try to do some questions or reading for the exam
11. Realize that I have not retained anything
12. Panic about being an incompetent or worse harmful Doctor
13. Panic about all the debt I will have when I fail out of school/residency/practice
14. Panic about Continuing Medical Education
15. Remember that I need repetition and experience to learn things but I don’t have the time to cram all the shit I forgot from rotations into 2 weeks
16. Mini Panic attack #3
17. Alternate blaming study material for being too general and study questions for being to vague… to blaming myself for not being able to solve the questions because I’m an idiot
18. Get hungry at around 11pm, eat trash (fast food) and give up for the rest of the night
19. Which means wallow in bed for about 4 hrs and perpetuate my shitty sleep schedule

I did something extremely stupid which was leaving my car running in the parking lot while we were in the store. I know I left it running because when I came back to it, it was running. Nothing was missing but the gas that burned off. Neither one of us could believe it and I’m supposed to be thanking God and my guardian angel that it wasn’t stolen straight out of the Hood-Mart lot. And I did that but on the way home (you know, driving my non-stolen car that I still own and know where it is) I burst into tears because I’m so stupid, I don’t deserve to have a car, I should be punished, I’m irresponsible, I could never be a doctor.

What would I have done if the car actually had been stolen?

Also I’m mad at myself for having these sorts of reactions: losing my car could never be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even getting kicked out of school (you know, the most important thing in my life) wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me, because that has already happened.

It is called being self-centered.

Anyway, today I got an email that I’m getting an interview for the scholarship I applied for. Annnnnnyyyy wayyyy they said they want to do it before the end of May (what)

This is exciting and a great opportunity but you know what else it is?

Another panic!

Hooray! Hashtag blessed