So let go, let go. in 2016

11:49pm

I should be sleeping.

[Ha. here we go again. I don’t think I’ve said that in a while....]

But really, sleeping has not been good since the season ended. First I was having constant dreams/flashbacks/whatever about work stuff and then I just haven’t been able to get into a good schedule. I read this thing today though that said when you can’t sleep it’s because you’re awake in someone’s dream. HAH. I must be oh so popular! ;)

Also, the Vegas thing kind of messed up the sleep patterns. Mostly though I think I’ve been staying up too late. It’s a hard habit to break. During the season I have no choice but to go to bed early. I’d never survive if I didn’t. But now I have all the time in the world. I don’t really have a reason to go to bed, or one to get up at a certain hour. Although I would like to stop waking up any time near 10am. That feels so late. That is so late! I’m getting 10 hrs though and that’s what I’ve always said I’ve needed. Even if no one believes me and they all just think I’m lazy. heh. It’s kind of proven when no matter what time I go to bed, I comfortably wake up 10hrs later. But whatever.

Better sleep schedule. I’ll put that on the list of stuff to do.

Speaking of stuff to do: there was so much I wanted to do this summer and yet I feel like it’s all flying by so fast that I won’t get any of it done. I need to be better organized but stuff just keeps coming up to block any plans I’d like to make.

My brother’s been in and out of the hospital. I don’t know if I’ve really talked about that. But he went in about a month ago with an infection. Bad enough to need antibiotics through an IV. Then he was better and sent home. Now it’s back again. They’re draining an abscess in his intestines and it probably looks like he’ll have surgery. I was already looking to head out there as soon as possible, but now I’ll wait until he has a surgery date and go around that time. To take care of him or what not. [Why couldn’t he have found a wife by now!? Lol.] He wants me to go a week before so that we can actually do stuff but then he’ll spend about a week in hospital and 3-4 in recovery. I can’t be there that long.

I mean, it’s possible. I have the luxury of being in this really awesome work situation, but no. I’m going to be a little selfish on this one. I know we cannot handle that many weeks together. We get on each other’s nerves. The issues between us aren’t worth it. Plus I have stuff I want to do too. And I do have some work responsibilities that I will need to take care of. Also, I want to be in my own home. Dealing with the shitty Texas weather is not on the top of my list either. So we’ll see how it goes.

We were just informed this week that the building we are leasing the office from is going to be sold and they’re thinking about tearing down our office space. The space we just put several thousand dollars into fixing up because we were told they’d have to honor our lease. The same building that has custom built furniture/carpet/paint/everything because it is all specific to the floor plans. Meaning - it cannot be transferred somewhere else and we’d have to spend several more thousand dollars to replace it all. Ugh.

I’m not even going to worry about it though. There’s nothing we can do. I’ll let God and the universe handle this one. There’s no point in stressing. It is what it is. I have zero control and I’m trying so hard to let go of the things I have no control over.

Put that on the list of things we’ll just have to wait and see about.

Other things I have no control over: I never heard back from the ghost. I had such high hopes for that one. You know with my amazingly witty and charming e-mail. But whatever. I said that at least I would feel good about having no regrets. I said what I needed to say. I’ll never have to wonder what if I’d just said one more thing to convince him.

I wish he would have given me a chance though.

I guess I can’t really blame the guy. There are so many negatives to this. He lives far away. There was an audible sigh from him as he realized how much older he was [whether he meant to let it out or not]. And uh, he’s kind of in the middle of a divorce. =\
Shoot. I know I wouldn’t want to get involved in anything if I was in the midst of ending my marriage. Not that I’m looking to get married tomorrow or anything. I’m really good at dragging things out. I’m not ready for anything serious. I just wanted a chance to get to know him. He seemed so fascinating, and so perfectly placed into my world at the right moment. That’s all. I just wanted to make friends and see where it went. Swap stories and all those fun things you can do when you’re trying to get to know someone.

Oh well. I’m trying to force myself not to constantly check my work e-mail. I know he’s not going to reply. It’s already been over a week and no one contemplates things for that long. Maybe he did take it as a final note from me. That’s kind of what it was meant to be, after all. Not that that completely keeps me from checking, but I’m working on doing it less frequently and skipping days in-between.

I can’t say I don’t still have a little hope though. That some day he’ll realize he should totally have someone like me in his life and he’ll find a way to get back in touch. He has all my contact info. If he wants to find me he’d have very little trouble doing so.
Which should probably serve as my reminder that he just doesn’t want to get in touch. But you know me. I can’t help myself. What’s life without a little hope? I don’t have much else going on these days.

“Wait and see.” “Let go.” Life’s words of wisdom I should listen to.

rose.
12:26am