Of all the stupid repetitive types of entries I’ve written this year, this is my least favorite sort; my head hurts. Hurt isn’t right; it’s fuzzy and fuzzy is uncomfortable in a way that can’t be described in pain exactly, but headache is a common word and head fuzz is too, I dunno, fuzzy. I also seem to be insecure. Though, rationaly, I’m 98 percent the fuzz will pass, I’m 100 percent on the insecure. But it’s uncomfortable.
For three years prior to this one every third entry was about not wanting to be here, every second was about not liking it here and every entry that wasn’t second or third was about feeling lost. All of them, in there way, were about being homesick. Again, not real pain, but damn uncomfortable. Hold on, I’m being snarky with “real” now. With head and insecurity I meant they didn’t hurt. Homesickness is a pain in the heart, or, less poetically, it’s an emotional pain.
Doctors, and I’ve seen way too fucking many, when they bother to ask have two criteria, at first at least; What sort (e.g. stabbing, burning, dull ache, taunting, making funny faces at your expense, etc) and how much on a scale of 1 to ten or sometimes 1 to 5. I’ve answered the latter a hundred times (ok, I just made that number up) and still don’t know what it means. I don’t really see the difference between “It hurts a lot but I came here anyhow” versus “7”. One day I’m going to ask “Which number will get me treatment. I mean I could have gone to a CPA if we were just going to talk numbers.” There’s a reason I haven’t done that yet, given plenty of opportunity and have that question in my back pocket for years.
In Oregon I was treated no matter what the number was. Here they don’t do anything no matter what the number is. For the last year doing nothing is an acceptable response, it means not punishing me. I feel I bit like a puritan on a dunking chair being asked if I’m a witch or not knowing neither answer will keep me from getting wet. So doing nothing is good. It does not, however, help with fuzzy head. Which I’m still 98 percent sure will go away but am learning that it also comes back and is probably migraines. Fuck.
There are other possibilities. Those would be easier to believe if it wasn’t recurring. For instance, I moved a lot of clutter around, filled two garbage bags full. Hmmm, up until a year or so ago but starting sometime after 1980, the city of East Lansing started using an exclusive type of oversized yellow garbage bag. I was a bit outraged when I came here to discover that. The taxes here are ridiculously high and one of the things they pay for is garbage service. They charge for the bags. They went to a exclusive city made can (that at least makes sense, the robot arms of the garbage truck need to pick the can up by it’s lips so they have to be uniform) which they sold for a one time fee. Despite my father being demented and my mom not being able to feel one of her walking legs, they were using the bags when I got here because the cans were too expensive. I showed them the math. I insisted I would take of the garbage and I wanted a city can. I couldn’t get any outrage at the notion of the high cost of living here includes trash service.
So, um, to my point, the two bags I filled with clutter were very big (leftovers from when we used bags) almost twice the size of large lawn bags. I’m eyeballing, the yellow bags don’t have a size printed on them. One of the types of things I tossed was old ejuice and some was leaky. I could attribute fuzzy head to absorbtion of leaky ejuice except the previous several times fuzzy head happened there was no leaky ejuice. Also, even now, with vaping being a 2 billion dollar industry in the states alone (and much more gear comes from china than the states) there is surprisingly little information. Wait, no, there’s a wealth of information, there is surprisingly little empirical and objective data on both sides of the fence. So I don’t really even know if it can be absorbed through the skin let alone how much has to be absorbed and to what ill effect. And there’s still that variable (see, a science kind of word) of all the times my head has gone fuzzy without ejuice absorbed through skin being involved (that was clumsy because I’ve vaped it, but I’ve vaped it more without a fuzzy head than with, leading me to suspect like many other activities I do it has nothing to do with fuzzy head).
If I posted the above paragraph in certain forums there would be an argument over how ejuice was killing me or the only thing curing me. Another possibility, a more likely one, is I stirred up even more of something I’m allergic too and brought on fuzzy head through quantity of something already in my air that occasionally in regular amounts makes my head fuzzy. That makes more sense, but is still a guess, and guess wise Migraines or a brain tumor are still both more likely. Migraines more so than a brain tumor. I really have no idea but I assume once you actually feel symptoms from a brain tumor you are right fucked and the symptoms don’t come and go as they please.
I am pretty fucking sore from moving all the clutter around though. That I understand, Dull ache, constant, 7.
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