'till this dream is gone in 2016

9:37pm

I knew it would happen this way. I wish I could be one of those people that feels like my thoughts will manifest into beautiful things, but alas, I just know the world too well. How it loves to f*ck with me.

I’m gonna ramble on about this ghost thing for a minute. It might just be the end of it so bear with me.

He said he was going to call today around noon, right? And then I said that I knew he probably wouldn’t. After I didn’t call him back that night I figured he’d know everything had gone through just fine. I still had hope though. That maybe he’d want to talk and so he’d call with the excuse to double check everything. So I ran into work a minute after noon and I went through the motions. Sat up at the front desk for the next hour while I delayed projects in order to be prepared to take the call. I had a mini-speech planned. Stuff I definitely wanted to say.

But I knew it wouldn’t come. Around 12:45 I glanced at the clock and knew that my suspicions had been confirmed. He wasn’t going to call. There really was no reason for it.

When he didn’t call by 5:00, I’d pretty much lost the little bit of hope I’d been holding on to. And it sucked. It crushed my heart just enough. The fact that he clearly didn’t feel like calling me. That I must have, of course, mis-read the signals. All these stupid thoughts started running through my head. Because what else could it be? Other than the fact that I always read too much into things, and that I don’t make the kind of impression I think I make. ugh. sigh

In all honesty, I know that it probably doesn’t have much to do with me. I mean, it does, obviously, but not in the sense that it’s all my fault. I know this. There are probably a hundred different reasons that life would work out this way. And I know I kept saying that I would let the world work itself out on this one, but you also know that I am horrible at taking my own advice and/or listening to the smart words I say.

It will work out the way it’s supposed to. I know that! But I also know that it would have been nice to get to know this particular person. He had such an interesting story. I just wanted to know more. But that’s ok. Whatever happens.

I couldn’t leave it without any closure though. I’m no good at that. So I contemplated calling and leaving a final message. I figured he was still in classes today and therefore would be busy all day. A.k.a his phone would go to voicemail and I could dole out my rehearsed speech. But then I got super busy with a lot of frustrating projects [including stuff for JR that I am beyond annoyed with. To the point where I’m considering quitting…that’s a story for another time…] and by the time I looked at the clock again it was after 5pm. 1) I realized he should be done with classes and he hadn’t called, and 2) it was a very good possibility that he would actually answer the phone at this point. I didn’t feel like talking. I was upset over stuff and there were certain words that I wanted to say that might get lost in the conversation.

Then I did what most introverts/shy/not talkative people tend to do and I wrote up an e-mail. It was the best way to say all the things I wanted to say. And I went full-on witty jokes with it. Because hey! if it was going to be my last contact with him, I was going to make it a good one. My whole awesome personality out there in the open. Why not? I have nothing to hide; nothing to lose.

Of course, he has yet to respond to the e-mail. He doesn’t necessarily need to. I kind of wrote it as a last contact anyway. If he did, I’d just have to sit around and come up with something new to say. Although I kind of want to know what he’ll say. I want to hear the words. Whatever though.

Life is what it is. It’s always that way.

I’m done with this stupid frustrating day. Stuff keeps coming up and I can’t even concentrate anymore. I’m just so done. [and it doesn’t really have anything to do with him. It’s just stuff.]

rose.
10:44pm