Just give it up in 2016

9:36pm

I think the older I get, the more I realize how wrapped up in my own world I can become.

This last year, maybe just these last few months, have really helped me to process and see the world clearer. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a symptom of getting older? I’ve learned so much more about myself recently and it’s kind of amazing. I’m not sure I ever thought that I would reach a place like this. Where I so clearly understood my own mind and emotions.

It’s not 100%. Obviously. I have so many flaws. Like the over-analyzing and the fact that I put way too much stock in things that don’t matter [particularly guy things]. But I just feel things so intensely and I understand things in a way that doesn’t seem to make sense in the world.

Like the way that I always knew ck meant something in my world. He was there, out of nowhere, in that one moment that I needed it the most. And I don’t think he will ever know how much of a difference he made in my world, but he made it. Just all those moments. He was in my life for a reason. Maybe he’ll never be in it again. I don’t know how that’s going to work. But I do know that he played his part. I do know that he was always put there for me so that I could make those changes.

See, I miscalculated on that one. I got so wrapped up in those moments that I took them for more than they were worth. The whole time, I knew that he wasn’t supposed to mean that much, but I got so worked up over it. I wanted it too much.

And that’s my fatal flaw, or just another one to add to the list. It won’t be the last time I do it either. It won’t be the last moment that I read too far into. It won’t be the last time that I think that something means more than it does. But it’s just the way I see the world. It’s just the things that I feel and the moments that keep me alive. I can’t help that. And I’m not sure that I want to. It’s done me well so far. :)

This leads me to the fact that I may, or may not have, burst into tears at the sight of an e-mail 20 minutes ago.

I knew that it would happen. In my heart of hearts I knew that I would hear some thing by tomorrow. But I started to doubt it. I didn’t want to rely on it. I didn’t want to be disappointed if it never came. Because we’ve all felt that before and it sucks. So I didn’t want to make it such an important thing. I also knew that maybe it wouldn’t happen. That maybe I would have to find a way to move on without any closure.

Here’s the part where maybe some of the non-religious people would like to skip over, because I’m about to bring my own faith in God into it.

Yesterday I didn’t feel like going to church at all. And it worked out that we didn’t go. That we’d planned to go today. And for some reason that felt right. Going today was the right call. I actually wanted to be there, which honestly isn’t all that common in my world. I have faith and a strong belief, but church isn’t that big a part of my life. So I thought that interesting.

At some point today I also thought about how I needed to let things go. The whole thing about not wanting to be disappointed. And maybe I checked the answering machine a couple of times today. The last around 3pm. I told myself that it was too much. That I was trying too hard. Willing it too strongly.

So I let it go. I decided that I would force myself not to check again until tomorrow, and even not until I went to the office some time in the afternoon. And maybe I said a little prayer at church about how I understood the way that the world had to work but maybe it would be possible for me to receive some kind of closure. Even if I never saw him again; I needed to know that it wasn’t a figment of my imagination. That I wasn’t crazy.

Then I came home and we cooked dinner [I made my first cheese sauce that wasn’t too horrible!] The fish didn’t turn out amazing but it was decent. We sat down to watch a movie we’d rented. I was going to put on The Letters, but I wanted more time to focus on that one. So I ran a little movie I’d heard nothing about [Tumbledown] and it turned out to be pretty great!

Sometime during that movie I’d suddenly realized that I’d been distracted enough to not think about this ghost in a while. I thought that was good progress. Letting go and letting the world work itself out. It’s the one thing that I’m constantly trying to remind myself of and yet have so much trouble with. But I was doing alright.

Movie ended. I ran to my room to watch Grantchester. I popped on to the computer to see what was new. And I thought, “ok fine. I’ll check the e-mail just one more time. There’s probably nothing there but I have to know.”
And of course there it was! A new message all in bold. From the ghost. Mostly apologizing and reiterating that he was on vacation with no service [I told you, Rose!] and that I should call/email anytime now and he could give me the answers I needed.

Then there were the tears. Out of nowhere. I don’t even know why. They were just there. Lightly rolling out of my eyes. I laughed and cursed myself for such emotion [not really though. I like the emotions…] and then I took a few minutes and began to write this.

I’m contemplating my reply. I was half-tempted to reach for my phone and check on the answering machine again, just in case, but I think I will leave that for tomorrow. The e-mail is enough for tonight. I want to reply though to let him know that I’ll get in touch tomorrow. Half because I can’t help myself and half because, well I don’t know. I can’t help myself. =]

This is what it’s like though. To understand everything so clearly. To give yourself up to the moments. To let go and just let it work itself out.

Because it always does. Every single time it does. It catches you off guard. It comes when you least expect it. But it always comes at the exact right time. At the exact moment when you need it the most, even if you had no idea that you needed it.

That’s what I need to remember. All of that. And how none of it has anything to do with me. No matter how hard I will it to happen; it’s not going to happen unless it is supposed to.

So stop worrying. Stop fretting. Stop focusing so intensely on something that you cannot change.
It’ll serve you well in the long run, I promise.

rose.
10:06pm