lemon lime gatorade and iceland in Sometimes I feel dead inside

no matter how often i travel i am always incredibly reflective when i do. sure it could be due to my lack of sleep or even the half asleep state i often travel in. i get to look at my life as a game of what if. what if i had stayed in that city? what if i had stayed with that girl? what if i had just convinced her to stay? what if my friends had stuck it out? what if they were there for each other they way i try to be for them? i saw something in my closest friend in that city, i've known him since we were 16 and i saw the same sadness and loneliness in his life that is in mine. i saw the girl that is his closest friend, that he has a love/hate relationship with. i saw the parallels matching up and screaming parts of his life i didn't know about. i saw him living the same life i am. but he's not designed for that, he's a mate for life kind of guy, he wants to get married, do the family thing. its just not working for him. he's lonely, and he doesn't know what to do with himself. i really feel bad for the guy, i mean i am in a similar spot. i don't mind it most of the time. i am ok with being alone, sure sometimes it sucks but most of the time i am fine with it. the holidays would've been different with someone else. i realized that today, i would've been able to get on the train sooner, i would've probably eaten something that didn't suck on the train. i would've been able to get comfortable and slept. i would've smiled at that movie moment with the girl sleeping on me while my bizarre icelandic music played in my headphones. maybe i would've convinced her to go do something dirty in the train's bathroom. maybe i wouldn't have cared. but it did weigh on me a bit, am i getting as bad as my friend? or was it that i just had a young lady in my life that i would've introduced to my family? that i had someone i cared enough about that i would want meet my family? its strange to even think that way. its strange to ask myself how things would've been different. i get nervous because i see my friend looking the same way i am, i see him living the same life i am and i worry about him. which makes me question if i should be worried about myself?