lesson almost learned in 2016

10:01pm

I feel like I should say some stuff about yesterday without all the emotion attached to it. I mean, the emotion is still there but I’m certainly not feeling it as intensely as I was when I wrote yesterday. Everything was all worked up in my head and I needed to pour the words out. Today, I’ve had more time to reflect.

I still think it’s absolutely insane the way every thing worked out. The ‘coincidences’ and what not. It’s funny the way you always think you have it all figured out and then the world reminds you that it was never in your hands to begin with.

Today’s CK’s birthday. I’d noticed it on my calendar a few days ago but then forgot about it until this morning. Interesting the way that worked out. Looking back on all these moments kind of blows my mind. The thoughts that I had, the decisions that were made, the people and the places, and all the puzzle pieces. How does that even happen? How is it even possible for it all to work out that way? I’m amazed and stunned all at the same time. I can only imagine where it’s going to go from here. It’s so not in my control.

Because I’d waited a long time for that moment and then suddenly it was there, when I least expected it, and I didn’t even know what to do with myself.

I haven’t been sleeping well either. I haven’t felt this sorta insomnia in a long time. Where I wake up in the middle of the night and then have trouble getting back to sleep. But it’s been happening all week. Ever since work ended.

It could be that the grief is finally catching up with me. All the deaths that happened. I didn’t really have time to deal with the whole thing because people were here and then we were working and it’s been non-stop since then. [I mean I cried about it, and felt stuff, but maybe not the way my body/brain really wanted to…] I’m still crying at the thought of my uncle being gone. I don’t even mean tears streaming down the face kind of crying; I mean full on sobbing trying to catch my breath kind of crying. I’ve dealt with a lot of death before but this one has hit me hard. Maybe because I’m older now? I’m more in touch with all the emotions and feelings of everything. Also, maybe, because I actually had a chance to get close to him. We were just becoming friends…and I can’t even type the words without the tears.

So I think now that my world has slowed down, and my mind has quiet moments again, it’s all starting to catch up with me. Because I think I’ve cried every night this week, or at least the majority of them, and not just because of him. But that could be causing my sleep issues.

I don’t know. I’m just documenting things. [Like how I’m also obsessed over Randy Houser’s new album, but maybe that’s not entirely relevant…]

rose.
10:27pm