of all the moments in 2016

9:27pm

I don’t know how many times I need to tell the world to eff off before it gets that I hate this sick kind of torture.

Not that I actually mean that in any concrete sorta way, but f*ck. Every damn time I think I have stuff figured out; it comes in to prove me wrong.

JR just left here about ten minutes ago. Well, him and the gf and her kid. That was interesting. I’ll get into it later, maybe.

Before that: we’d gone to church as per usual. We stopped by the store unexpectedly on the way back and then we drove by the fairgrounds and there were a lot of cars gathering. I started making jokes about all the pick-ups in the parking lot because that’s when you know it’s one of those cowboy kind of get-togethers. At the stop this suv drove by us and the driver waved. It took me a second but I realized it was the neighbor all dressed up and in her car. They must have been going to whatever was going on.

So we started joking about it, because Mom didn’t even notice them wave. I caught it just in time to lift my arm, but I didn’t even realize they knew what we drove. Like I never expected them to recognize us driving down the street. hah. Plus he was all in fancy clothes and it was a quick pass by.

We were going on about this whole thing and how it must be a cowboy kinda thing. I started complaining about how I never get invited to these things and blah blah. We make it another block down the road and this old pick-up comes off the freeway and turns in front of us. We both recognize it as an old truck and my Mom shouts about how, “there goes your boyfriend!!” And I’m staring at the truck because hey, that looks familiar. There’s a guy in the driver’s seat wearing a cowboy hat. Hmmm? Who could that be?

Then I see a hand shoot up and wave and holy sh*t that’s CK and what the hell?!?

I had the thought that maybe it would be him. I mean, the old truck and cowboy hat, but never in a million years did I think it would be true. There he was though. With more facial hair than I’m used to, but I’m sure it was him. The truck was a different color but it was similar enough and who else would be waving at us on the street?

So I stare intently and I definitely feel like I recognize him, and then I mention that holy cow that’s ck and the world kind of stops.

I realize that I’ve suddenly gone all into my head and I try to play it off. Make jokes. Say stuff about how that has to be him. Tell her to take back the joke about it being my boyfriend. And quietly mention that I didn’t even know he was back in town.
We didn’t talk about it for long. We got home and subjects were changed. I think she caught on pretty quick, although she did want me to send him a message to be sure it was him. I pointed out that he was driving and he was probably going to whatever was happening at the fairgrounds. I didn’t want to bother him.

But holy cow....

I literally just said this morning that it was nice to finally feel like I was over that whole thing. I’m not even kidding. I thought to myself about how it’s been a year [almost exactly to the day] since the last time I’d seen him and it was nice to have finally moved on. That it seemed like the appropriate amount of time after everything.

This is what I didn’t want to mention the other day. Because that ghost that walked in to my office shouldn’t have meant that much, but honestly, he sorta did. Something about that interaction with him made me realize that there’s more out there. That ck was never meant to be “the one” and that I let myself get all wrapped up in something that never actually existed.

I just figured that out. Just this week! And I’ve never felt more accepting of the facts than I did this morning.

Then, there he was. Alive and well. Back in town. Who knows how long he’s been around and suddenly my world collapses back into it....
There are about a dozen different text messages that I want to send him. Jokes, witty stuff, serious stuff, anything. But instead I’m sitting here wondering why he doesn’t message me.
How long has he been back? Why is he driving this far just to attend some stupid fair thing? Why hasn’t he gotten in touch? Why does he feel zero desire to text me?! My curiosity is going full blast but why do I always have to chase him? Why can’t he just once want to get in touch and see me? Why the fuck does the world feel like it’s ok to just throw him in my path like that?!?!

I could have passed through there a million times without seeing him. He could have been parked in the lot and I never would have recognized the truck. Anything. Any other moment in the entire world and I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out how to make it through this moment. It’s the biggest coincidence in the world that he would have pulled off the freeway at the exact moment that we were crossing through.

And sometimes I hate the world for moments like these. Because why? Why in the world is it ok to torture me like this? I could have gone on blissfully unaware that he was even back in the state. But I made a decision, I had a particular thought, and I was ready to move on, and the world thought, “f-you. That’s not the way it’s going to work! That’s not the way it’s ever worked with this kid.”

So here I am. Trying to decide how I want to go about this whole thing. I’m not going to contact him, I’ve decided that much, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing he’d contact me.
I’ve moved on though. I’ve let it go. That was already decided. I’m not going to get dragged back down into this. It was too much the first time. It’s taken me too long to move on and I don’t need that again. I don’t regret any of our moments, but I’m not willing to let things play out that way again. It hurt too much. And if this last week has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t ever want to chase anyone ever again. I deserve to be chased. I’m not going to beg for attention.

This has turned into a kind of long rant, but honestly I don’t get it. I don’t know how everything worked out in exactly this way. And I want to document it because it’s too damn crazy. All the puzzle pieces shifting and ending up in these exact positions. I never could have predicted it. Not in a million years.

Now I just need to figure out how to live my way through it.
Probably just throw my hands up in retreat. Concentrate on my own stuff for a while. Too much drama happening every where else. I don’t need the anxiety/drama/worry/stress/etc. I just need me for a while.

Seriously though, world? Your timing is impeccable.

rose.
9:59pm