sunshine ghost in 2016

7:54pm

Well, today was my first full day off. Such glorious bliss! =)

I feel a thousand times more relaxed. The weight has been lifted and I’m just ready to enjoy everything. It’s always like this after it all ends, but this year feels especially so. Like, I have plans! And I will accomplish them. No more excuses. I need to get some of these things ticked off my list and I have no idea why I keep waiting. As if the right opportunity is just going to magically come along and sweep me up into it. I need to make my own magic here!

But of course we have to start with getting the house back into shape. It’s basically been neglected for the last four months and it needs some tender loving care. Late spring cleaning, I guess.

The curtains were washed. Laundry was started. Windows were cleaned. Grass was watered. Indoor/outdoor floors were swept. Beer was drunk. [that sounds weird. ha!] And sunshine was absorbed! Lots of wonderfully beautiful sunshine!

Oh, and I didn’t even have to wear shoes! My feet feel so free. haha. I never knew I’d miss being barefoot so much. But this season was non-stop and I think every part of my body is trying to recover. A few more days in bare feet and shorts in the sunshine and I’ll be feeling a lot more like normal.

In similar but other news: I still have yet to hear back from this guy. I didn’t go into work today but I checked the answering machine at least three (four?) times and nothing. Also no new e-mails exist.

What the hell, man? How do you just disappear while important stuff is happening?

It’s so weird the way this has all played out. Like there are moments where I start to doubt that it is actually happening. Maybe I imagined the whole thing? Maybe he really was a ghost. Or a mystery shopper who gave me all fake information? Although he seemed to have far too many personal stories for something like that. Could be part of his shtick though?

I reached a point a couple of hours ago where I really wanted to start doing a deep dive into the world wide web to find him. I imagine, given his profession, that there wouldn’t be a whole lot, but I have this need to find him now. To prove to myself, to my own crazy brain, that he really was real. That he exists.

Honestly though, there’s nothing else for me to do. I can’t stress or worry about what might happen if he doesn’t get in touch with me. He’ll just have to deal with the repercussions, if any. I’ll hope that he’ll eventually show up and we can get everything taken care of, but who knows. [I did end up leaving him another voicemail yesterday. A semi-rehearsed spiel about really needing to talk to him. Knowing he was enjoying vacation. Keeping an eye on answering machine/email. Hoping to hear from him soon. I was running through it all so quickly though that I’m not even sure what I actually said. I panicked. hah]

I’ve reached this point in my life where I realize that certain people come into your life for certain reasons.
I kind of hate to put this all together here like this, because it doesn’t seem like it should be that important, but stuff has clicked for me. Just recently. Since the moment that guy walked out the door. I’ve been contemplating and considering all things…
And I just deleted a couple of words about the understanding I came to after those moments. I’m not sure I’m ready to put them into words like that. It’s too big of a thing. It’s hard to believe that that’s the truth that would come from all this, so instead I’ll just leave it where it is. The words can happen later if they need to.

Now if only I could find a way to train my brain to stop the constant thoughts. I’d really like to just continue on without this shadow of his face crossing through my mind every time I close my eyes. Yeah, I know I have to give it a few days, but sooner would be better.

Life needs to return to its normal calm self so that I can find a way to complete all my adventures.

Maybe I should start planning those adventures…

rose.
9:43pm