I need you, after all. in --

I thought I was done here but it turns out that I need a release for all of the thoughts indefinitely swirling in my head and I have no other outlet yet.

I need this place, after all.

I am having a hell of a time simply existing. Everything feels like an impossible task. One more thing to check off a never-ending and disheartening list. A chain I can’t break, a terrible lover I can’t leave. That’s what life has always been to me, with little slivers of light here and there.

It’s after class and I am in the car. I know I need to drive away. To leave. Being here gives me so much anxiety. It serves as a reminder of an unstable future. I have no idea what I am doing, or where I will or should go. I don’t want to do any of this. At least, not by myself. But this has all been a choice that I made. Throwing myself into everything and hoping for the best.

My life is best described as throwing myself into one crisis to the next.

And I am tired.

I am so, so very tired.

I want autonomy but I also don’t. It’s too open, too easy to fuck up.

Last updated April 19, 2016